Bikers - Ride Safely

The first thing to remember is that everyone else you are likely to meet on the road is a psychotic idiot. Therefore it is usually best to ride the largest, strongest, most powerful vehicle available. As no-one makes a Chieftain tank with two wheels - yet - you must make do with a variety of projecting article with which to rip up unwary pedestrians and cyclists. Most plastic parts such as indicators , hondas etc are made from a brittle material that upon the slightest impact, such as a harsh word or sudden traffic light change, shatter to form delightfully sharp teeth. Similarly most metal parts are designed and constructed to quickly rust into jagged edges just made to blood poison your enemies fellow road users. These devices are, of course, only for your protection. You should be able to avoid troublesome interference by intimidation alone. Do not try to bully anything too big.

The most effective way to avoid trouble is to pass unnoticed among the traffic, bearing in mind that to be detected is to be targeted. Wear something dark to blend in with the road; at night ride on dim lights (some 'enlightened' manufacturers include dim lights in their original specification). Never at any time be tempted to boast of your approach with a horn. To remove the temptation remove the horn or put it in a position where it will either remove itself of fill with water and/or oil.

When passing through traffic do so as fast as possible in order to reduce the risk of attack. For this purpose the new speed limits are very useful; while other traffic sticks to the limit you know your minimum speed requirement. Always ride in the blind spot of other vehicles, on the wing of cars, right up the back of lorries. When possible overtake on the inside where you will be least expected. When passing parked vehicles ride close to them or pedestrians may observe your approach and take the opportunity to throw themselves under your wheels in order to claim thousands of pounds off your insurance. This is a very lucrative business for pedestrians and is actively encouraged by insurance companies many of whom have pedestrians as directors. For this reason I advise strongly against insurance.

Road signs are a major weapon of the Destruction of the Environment (D of E) Quite apart from the obstruction they cause to a legitimate view of aeroplanes and upstairs windows, their main function is to distract the rider from the far more important task of looking for lurking police cars. Avoid learning the meaning of these signs. Curiosity killed the cat and it could do the same for you.

But of all the predicaments cunningly calculated to slaughter motorcyclists, pride of place must surely go to the right turn. If your next journey includes a right turn do yourself a favour - stay home and play Russian roulette with a double barrelled shotgun. Consider awhile the cool way the genocidal experts instruct you in the art of suicide. First they want you to look, signal and move into the correct lane. Not only do they want to see your blood all over the road, they want you to assemble your own group of onlookers. Very soon by following their move by move plans you move your position of extreme peril to one of irretrievable fatality slap bang - and I mean BANG - in the middle of a crossroad. Stationary with the traffic whizzing past on both sides seeing what they can knock off your bike or you. Your instructors in death do not even allow you to go quickly. They insist you take a last look round to see and know and finally understand what and why and who you are going to end up embellishing the chrome of. Now for those with the matador instinct I am going to tell you how to turn right and live to tell the tale.

Do not by any action let any other road user know you intend to turn right. At least keep your speed and direction straight up to the junction. For your own protection it is best to have traffic as close to your tail as possible during this manoeuvre, a position the traffic will take quite naturally, but if they are lagging behind a little, slow down and give a left turn signal which should immediately get them piling up behind you. Now work on the principle that in an emergency a car driver is instructed to jam on the brakes and steer in a straight line. Just as you are level with the junction brake fiercely and swerve right. Don't whatever you do look behind you or helpless panic will grip you. You should have effectively avoided the car immediately following and now the following number two car will swerve and not brake. It is important for you to complete your right turn as soon as this car has effectively stopped all traffic approaching from the opposite direction.

Well it always works for tractors and taxis

L.J.K. Uptight

Next Bikers - The Accident