They have a system for snow clearing in Canada. The radio announced that there would be six inches of snow over-night, and asked residents to park their cars on the even numbered side of the street so the snow-ploughs would have a clear run.

The guy's wife went straight out and parked as instructed.

Next evening the radio forecast there would be a further nine inches of snow and advised people to park on the odd side of the highway so their snow-ploughs could get through.

Again the wife went out immediately to park as requested.

On the third evening the radio announced an expected snowfall of twelve to fifteen inches ... and then there was a power cut and the radio went dead.

The confused wife was left wondering where to park and asked her husband for advice.

He replied "Why don't you just leave it in the garage tonight?"

Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven where they were welcomed by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter said "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun said, "I want to be Sophia Loren." and POOF she's gone.

The second said, "I want to be Madonna." and POOF she's gone.

The third said, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini."

St. Peter looked perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini" replied the nun.

St. Peter shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter. He read the paper and started laughing.

"No Sister, he laughed, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

The mother-in-law arrived home from the shops to find her son-in-law in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

What's up, me Duck?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent a text to my wife telling her I was coming home early today from my motorcycle rally. I arrived home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife, naked with Frankie McNaughton in our marital bed!

"This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your text."

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed too. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "D'ye noo think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

A young man was waiting in line at a post office when he noticed an older man in the corner of the office, licking stamps that say Love on them and putting them on bright pink envelopes.

The man then took a bottle of perfume from his jacket pocket and sprayed the envelopes.

Curiosity got the better of the young man, so he walked over and asked the older man what he was doing.

"I'm sending out five hundred Valentine's cards with the phrase 'Guess Who?' written inside."

"Why?" the young man asked.

The man smiled and said,

"Because I'm a divorce lawyer."

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb, My Lord."

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, is your prick still throbbing?'

"And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee...

"That, Carson, is aplomb."

One evening, soon after their honeymoon, club member Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage.

His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke: "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. You probably should just consider selling your motorcycles and all the paraphernalia."

Tom got a quizzical look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife?" she shouted.

"YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: "I wasn't."