The wife of a past member goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm married to a past LPMCC member so I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Damn me, a new brothel and a new madam."

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes." says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes." complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the past member comes home. "Well blow me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Zak?"

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.

"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.

After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused.

"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.

"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps."

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side."

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old past Phoenix member are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note.

Q: Who gets it?

A: The old past member, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one formyself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish,genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35." she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Holy Father.

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness. Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,

"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Johnny Depp.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Johnny Depp, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Johnny Depp."

And so the Lord let her keep him. Johnny, that is.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

You believe in Santa Claus.

You don't believe in Santa Claus.

You are Santa Claus.

You look like Santa Claus.