I met a beautiful young woman at a nightclub, we were getting on very well when she said she had something to show me:

She removed her wig and she was totally bald.

"It's alopecia." She said, "But if you still like me, you can ask me anything."

Well, I have always wanted to know, so I asked her straight.

"Does your condition make you bald in other places?"

She whispered in my ear, "There's only one way to find out."

"Of course." I thought, "What an idiot, forgetting about Google at a time like this."

Sitting in a pub and draining his glass Murphy said "I must be off now I'm taking night school classes in Vietnamese."

"Why so?" asked the barman.

"Well, my wife and I have just adopted a Vietnamese baby and I want to know what it says when it grows up." replied Murphy.

A man is really cheesed off with his wife's cat, so he decides to get rid of it one day by driving it a few miles away and leaving it in a park.

As he's getting home, walking up his driveway, the cat is sitting by the back door meowing to be let in.

So the next day he decides to drive the cat 20 miles away, throw the cat out of his window and drive swiftly home.

As he gets out of his car, there's the cat sat at the back door again, waiting to be let in.

This happens every day. Each day the man drives further and further away, but every time he arrives back home, the cat is always waiting to be let in at the back door.

Finally the man drives 50 miles away. Turning left then right, doing u-turns, going twice around the traffic islands, until he finds a park many miles away from where he lives and drops the cat off.

Many hours later, the man phones his wife.

"Is the cat there?" he asks.

"Yes," says the wife, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated the man replies, "put the bastard on the phone.......I'm lost and need directions"

Two past Phoenix members were sitting outside in the sun talking over old times.

"Do you know" says Zak "you are without doubt my very best friend."

"Is that so?" says Abe.

"Yes, and if I had two Rolls Royce motor cars, as my best friend I would give you one. And if I had two houses I would give you one of those."

"Would you?" says Abe.

"Yes I would. And if I had two sea going yachts one would be yours."

"Aha" said Abe "How about motorbikes?"

"SOD OFF." said Zak "YOU KNOW I'VE GOT TWO MOTORBIKES."

A past Phoenix member went to the doctor and said "Doctor, whatever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks "What do you mean?"

"When I touch my shoulder," says Abe "it really hurts. And if I touch my knee, it hurts as well. And if I touch my head it is really painful."

"Did you belong to the Leicester Phoenix Motorcycle Club?" asks the doctor.

"Yes, I certainly did Doctor." replied Abe.

"I thought you must have." says the doctor. "You've broken your finger."

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil" in French, is masculine - "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic; The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because:

In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The Women won!!!