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Recent changes and additions to the main LPMCC.net website.

Activities

Shows, reunions and other events for your calendar.

Rally List

Listed by country and month.

Joke

Sometimes rude - Always funny.

LPMCC.net © 2020

 

New

Six most recent pages.

News

Whats going on at home - Farewell adverts

14/8/2020

Blog

Getting by with a little hell from my friends - Google nonsense

14/8/2020

Foz Lists

Lists of wit, wisdom, fun and filth - Gone viral

13/8/2020

Cycling August

Still going our separate ways - dodging thunderstorms

13/8/2020

Rally Listing

European rallies, treffen, traef - 10 additions, 37 subtractions

12/8/2020

Elefant 1963

A blizzard across Europe - Camping at the Nurburgring

12/8/2020

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Activities

Events in the next two months.

Aug

20

2020

Cycling

NG25 0LG - Southwell - 10am

Aug

27

2020

Cycling

PE8 5AT - Lyveden New Bield near Oundle - 10am

Sep

03

2020

Cycling

DE65 6DW - Mercia Marina - 10am

Sep

10

2020

Cycling

NN11 3SD - Canons Ashby - 10am

Sep

12

2020

National Rally

Node - Kegworth - 9am-8pm

Sep

17

2020

Cycling

NG33 5PD - Woolsthorpe Manor Colsterworth - 10am

Sep

24

2020

Cycling

CV10 0TJ - Hartshill Hayes Country Park - 10am

Oct

01

2020

Cycling

LE15 8SU - Manton - 10am

Oct

08

2020

Cycling

LE67 3XF - Coalville Co-op - 10am

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Joke

Ireland failed to gain a medal in water polo because their horses drowned.

Canada did not win a medal in the pool because the ice was too slushy!


The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now?' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... '

' Ahhh....' she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a c*nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


Forty Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the f***ing gates'.


The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by.'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike....'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving'

'Jason is on his skate board....'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. 'Look Michael look what I've made' said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said 'What is it?'

'It's a planet' replied God 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael still confused. God explained pointing down to different parts of the Earth 'For example North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor, the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked 'What's that?'

'Ah' said God. That's the North of England the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone and many impressive cities, it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable hardworking and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed 'What about balance God you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!'


A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"


There is a new Foz Spot joke in LPMCC.net News every week.

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End

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