An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck"

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

A Geordie was so devoted to his pet dog that when it died he wanted it commemorated in the form of a gold statue.

So he went to a local jeweller's shop and asked, "Can ya make me a gold statue of ma dog?"

"Certainly, sir," said the jeweller, "Would you like it eighteen carat?"

"No, daft lad, I want it chewin' a bone."

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man. "What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son � not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back to life!"

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this really be his father?

"One last question: Are you by any chance a carpenter?"

"I am!"

The old man smiled. "I've missed you too, Pinocchio!"

Ornithology

I was down at the hide one morning when I heard someone at the door. A young lady poked her head in and said "Oh! Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here."

"That's all right," I said, "there's room for two. Here, I'll move my stuff up."

I moved my flask and sandwiches to let the young lady in. "Hi, my name's Ben."

"My name's Fancy," she blushed, deep enough that I could see it in the dim light of the hide. "Blame my parents!"

I chuckled politely, then I got on with my bird-watching and let Fancy get on with hers. It's not a hobby that needs very much chatter. Then, to my great excitement, I saw a long-necked, long-billed black bird � you'd have called it a cormorant, probably � diving off the rocks. What joy, to see this magnificent specimen actually fishing! I tapped my companion on the shoulder.

"Fancy! A shag!" I whispered.

...I must say I never thought to hear a young lady use such language in my life, and also I need to get some new binoculars.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, �David, I have some good news and I have some bad news.�

The art collector replied, �I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first.�

The attorney said, �Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.�

David replied enthusiastically, �Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?�

The attorney replied, �The pictures are of you with your secretary.�

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A ninety-five-year-old man married a twenty-three-year-old girl prompting fears for his health from the wedding guests.

They were afraid that the wedding night might prove fatal because he was a frail old man and she was a vivacious young woman.

But the next morning everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairwell of the hotel very slowly, step by step, and painfully bow-legged. Eventually she managed to hobble to the front desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and asked the bride: "What happened to you? You look as if you've gone ten rounds with Evander Holyfield?"

"It's my husband!" she gasped. "Oh, my God! When he told me that he'd been saving up for seventy-five years, I thought he meant his money!"