While riding my motorcycle I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess."

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied "Six."

The judge then said, "I will then give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner for the evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the garden. We phoned the local company for a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out shot back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the parrot. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the car, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother".

A few minutes later, I got into the car. "Sorry I took so long", I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked, so I hauled her downstairs and threw her out. She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the taxi was deafening.

TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR:

Hi Fred

I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you're not around I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Fred Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard

One of our old Embers loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said, Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "�500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law and I know how to screw people."

A couple from a circus went to an adoption agency, but social workers were doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produced photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers were then doubtful about the education that would be provided.

"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There were then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they replied.

So the social workers are finally satisfied and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter," they said, "as long as he fits in the cannon."