LPMCC.net

New

Recent changes and additions to the main LPMCC.net website.

Activities

Shows, reunions and other events for your calendar.

Rally List

Listed by country and month.

Joke

Sometimes rude - Always funny.

LPMCC.net © 2024

 

New

Six most recent pages.

Machine Badges

Machine badges: 766 from 8 contributors - 56 more badges from Jean-Francois Helias

11/06/2024

Foz Lists

Lists of wit, wisdom, fun and filth - best chat up lines

09/06/2024

News

Whats going on - adding figures on fingers

7/6/2024

June 2024

Busting out - 7 Embers 241 miles

6/6/2024

B Badges

Bacchus to Bye Bye Blackbird: 1051badges for 346 rallies from 38 contributors - 58 more badges from Jean-Francois Helias

04/06/2024

Solent Club History

History of the organising club - Shows and rally calendar

3/6/2024

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Activities

Events in the next two months.

Jun

13

2024

Cycling

LE9 2EN - Kirby Muxloe village hall - 10am

Jun

20

2024

Cycling

NN11 3SD - Canons Ashby - 10am

Jun

27

2024

Cycling

SK17 0AZ - Hartington Station - 10am

Jul

04

2024

Cycling

PE8 5AT - Lyveden New Bield near Oundle - 10am

Jul

11

2024

Cycling

DE65 6DW - Mercia Marina - 10am

Jul

18

2024

Cycling

CV10 0TJ - Hartshill Hayes Country Park - 10am

Jul

25

2024

Cycling

PE6 9AG - Northborough Tonys - 10am

Aug

01

2024

Cycling

NG14 7RP - Gunthorpe Lock - 10am

Aug

08

2024

Cycling

CV22 6RT - Rugby Cock Robin Wood - 10am

Aug

09

2024

Big End Rally

Pre book only

Aug

10

2024

Big End Rally

Contact Nigel

Aug

11

2024

Big End Rally

Raffle and prizes

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Joke

It had been a long, brutal day and when Jacko reached home from work he plopped himself down and said to his missus, Beryl, "Could you get me a beer before it starts?"

Slightly quizzical, Beryl brought him the beer and watched him drain it before he said again, "I think I have got time for just one more before it starts. Would you mind?"

Muttering under her breath, the missus nevertheless got Jacko the beer and once again watched as he knocked it back.

Wiping the froth from the stubble on his chin, he said, "Geez, that was good. What chance do I have of just one more beer before it starts?"

This time, Beryl was ready for him and launched: "I've had a gutful, Jacko. You've done bloody nothing since you got home but sit on your fat backside and order me around, while I've done nothing but run around after you, and if you think that y........."

At this point, Jacko sagged back in his chair, put his hands to his temples and said,

"Oh Christ, it's started!"


A Chinese man visited India.

He took a taxi at the airport.

Seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow but in China buses run very fast.

After some time, he saw a train passing over a bridge. The Chinese guy told the driver that the trains also run very slow here. In China trains run very fast.

Throughout the journey he complained to the driver, disparaging India.

However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey.

When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what was the taxi fare.

The driver replied it is 5,000 Rupees.

The Chinese guy was shocked after hearing the taxi fare. He shouted: "Are you kidding? In your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?"

To this the driver replied calmly.

"Sir, the meter is made in China !"


A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the lady home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The lady looked him over cautiously and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."


A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight to London.

After the plane took off, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey, which was immediately served.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."


You can't believe everything that scientists tell you.

Those working for NASA have stated that it is possible to live safely and happily on Mars.

Well, I've been eating ten a day and nothing else for the past six months, and I now weigh 31 stone and have been diagnosed with type two diabetes.


Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, visited a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talked to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there was a section for questions.

Little Alina put her hand up and asked "I have two questions"

"Why did we annex Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin replied "Good questions" But just as he was about to answer, the bell rang, and the kids went to lunch.

When they came back, they sat back down to resume questions. Another girl, Tatiana, put her hand up and said "I have four questions"

"My Questions are

Why did we annex Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?

And where the hell is Alina?"


George Washington and his men were looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they found a farm. Washington knocked on the door and the farmer answered. Washington said "Excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?"

The farmer looked around and said "Well I only have room for one of you."

Washington looked at his 100 men, and pointed to a young soldier.

"Peters, you were wounded badly in that last battle and kept fighting. You deserve it. Step inside."

Peters stepped up, to stay with the farmer for the night.

Now, without their buddy Peters, the men felt as depressed as ever, and still had no place to stay. Washington and his battered soldiers continued marching.

Eventually they came to a brothel. Washington knocked on the door excitedly and the head mistress answered. "Excuse me ma'am, my men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night? We can pay."

The mistress closed the door for a moment. She excitedly turned to all her girls. "Its been months of no business girls, no men and no action, but we have a whole regiment of handsome young soldiers to service here! Get ready!" The girls giggled excitedly and begin to primp for all the soldiers, having gone months with no business.

The mistress opened the door and said to George "We'd be happy to put you up! How many of you are there?"

Washington looked at his men, and replied "Well, 99 without Peters."

The mistress gasped,

"You've gotta be shitting me."


There is a new Foz Spot joke in LPMCC.net News every week.

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End

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