Back to acclaim. All the 2005 jokes on one bumper page.
Three past Phoenix members on a club run over the moors came to a swollen torrent that they had to cross.
It seemed impossible so they decided to pray.
The Ariel rider asked to be given the strength to get across.
He was given super-human strength and, with great effort, managed to swim and pull his Ariel over to the other side.
The Triumph rider prayed for the right tools to get over.
He was given a boat and, after much paddling and shipping a lot of water, he got his Triumph across.
The Norton rider prayed for sufficient intelligence to be able to cross.
So God made the Norton owner into a woman.
She looked at the map, rode 100 yards up the river bank and crossed using the bridge.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.
An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to England at a cost of £10,000, or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for £500.
The man says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will this 'woman' cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
A man, in a hot air balloon, was lost so he reduced altitude and until he saw a biker below. Descending a bit more, he shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The biker replied: "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metres above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees North and 59 to 60 degrees West".
"You must be an engineer", said the balloonist.
"I am." replied the biker, "How did you know?"
"Well" answering the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The biker below responded: "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the biker, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "Because I flipping didn't."
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
A man was sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window.
The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!"
To which the old woman replied,
"And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige." says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
If I could, I'd enlist today.
But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 26,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee - a couple of times.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food.
We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.
He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to war.
Let us old guys enlist. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
Bill says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
John (who has a bald head and a wooden leg) is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
John thinks this is terrible because all they have done is to really emphasized his wooden leg. He writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
Sorry about the Pirate's outfit, but please find enclosed a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
But now, John is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg, to emphasizing his bald head. He writes to the company a really rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup treacle. Pour the tin of golden syrup treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in place, "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed!! Everything had been so incredible!!!!
You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replied........."
Wait for it... (scroll down)
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
"........ you just happened to catch my eye."
(Oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them.)
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a packet of condoms.
"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." the pharmacist says.
"Well, I am," replies the patron.
"You'll have to prove it," says the pharmacist.
So the man rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the pharmacist and finally gets his condoms.
A few days later the same guy goes back to the same pharmacist to get some flea powder for his dog.
"Got a dog license?" the pharmacist asks.
The man reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog license and is finally handed his flea powder.
The next day he's back in the shop and hands the pharmacist a screw-top-jar.
"Here, smell this," he tells the man behind the counter.
The pharmacist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.
"SH1T!" cries the pharmacist, wrinkling his nose.
"Correct," says the man. "Now can I have two rolls of toilet paper, please"
A past Phoenix member is lying in bed in the hospital with intravenous drip and wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may strain his vitals from worry, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely . . . . . .
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?"
A past Phoenix member walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich and a cat behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Turning to the ostrich and the cat he asks, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich and the cat.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £10.80 please," and the cat says "I'm not paying. It's not my bill." so the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out change for payment.
The next day, the man, cat and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich and the cat say, "We'll have the same."
Once again the cat says "Don't expect me to pay." and man reaches into his pocket and pays.
This becomes a routine until late one evening the three enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "Same for me," says the ostrich and the cat.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £21.63." Once again the cat sets up a fuss refusing to pay and the man pulls the money out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. What's with the ostrich and the cat?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the garage and I found an old motorcycle lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me whatever I wished. Like a fool I wished for a tall chick with a tight pussy."
17.45 - THE WOMAN COMES HOME TO FIND:
My Dear Wife
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 56 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore I hope that after reading this note you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed; I shall be back home before midnight.
23.45 - THE MAN COMES HOME TO FIND:
My Dear Husband
I received your note, and thank you for your honesty. I should like to remind you that you are also 56 years old. So while you read this, I shall be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference.
18 goes into 56 much more often than 56 goes into 18. Therefore I shall not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.
A past member walks into a pub and orders three pints of beer. He sits at the bar drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he orders three more.
The landlord says, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
He replies, "Well, you see, I have two old mates from the Leicester Phoenix MCC. One is in Canada, the other is in Tenerife. When we left the club we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my pals and one for myself."
The landlord admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. He becomes a regular in the pub, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two pints. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the landlord says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
He looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that I became diabetic and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my mates though!"
At a reunion the conversation got round to the supernatural. "Do you believe in ghosts?"
About a score of past members admitted they did.
"Well, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About a dozen claimed they had.
"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
Seven were sure they had held a discussion.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Zak raised his hand. "Tell us about it." we all yelled.
So Zak stood up with a grin and began to clear his throat. "Go on Zak, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost!"
Zak looked startled, "Shiiiit! From way back there I thought you said Goats."
A woman was leaving a convenience store when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
This two old past Phoenix members are at Mallory Park to watch the classic racing.
Zak turns to Abe and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."
Abe replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."
Zak says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."
Abe replies, "No I won't; what do you want?"
Zak says, "Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."
Abe replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember."
Several hours pass and, finally, Abe returns.
Zak asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"
Abe replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."
Zak opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries!
Zak says, "I knew you should have written the order down."
Abe says, "What do you mean - isn't everything in there?"
To which Zak replies, "No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!"
An American tale
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putt-putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you."
"I asked him what to give you. He said, F*ck him. Give him a fiver." She smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Past LPMCC member Zak was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.
"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.
"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" Zak said in some confusion.
"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children." she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.
Zak was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children."
Then he began to worry.
He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.
On leaving the store, Zak saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met at a motorcycle rally in 1980 could you? We shagged next to the bonfire in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your telephone number."
The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."
The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road ...
"... and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't ya just love lawyers?
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, making one last try to save the project, he looked at her over his glasses, gazed into her eyes and asked optimistically, "Was that one word or two?"
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,
but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.
They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.
"Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.
When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your glove compartment.......!
A guy with a black eye boards a plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."
Six surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon says, "Communication technicians are great, they never expect to know what's going on and are understanding when it does not work."
The final doctor shuts them all up when he observes: "Managers are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and arse are interchangeable."
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tub of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a jar of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple get to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
REASONS TO BE GERMAN
- Mercedes Benz
- Drive at a speed which you would be arrested if attempted anywhere else in the world
- Don't have to learn German as a second language
- Believe that pork's knee is a delicacy
- Being able to be a heavy smoker without anyone noticing that your lungs are bad
REASONS TO BE AMERICAN
- Love 'brazilian music' such as meringue, salsa, and rumba
- Wear the strangest clothes in the world without anyone noticing it
- Being able to have a beer by simply saying 'gimme a bud'
- Know that the capital of Brazil is Buenos Aires
- Be able to study for free at Yale, as long as you know how to play American football
- Be Texan, speak like a countryman, dress as a countryman and be proud of being a " cowboy"
- Watch novelas as any brazilian but call them 'soap opera'
- Understand the rules of baseball and football and think that is fun
- Think that any little get away or stroll was 'terrific, amazing, wonderful!!!'
- Not have to study English at Yazigi, CCAA or Fisk in order to be able to use the internet
REASONS TO BE FRENCH
- Know that Brazil is a serious country
- Savor the glory of being soccer world champion for the first time, beating Brazil
- Being able to be in a bad humour even living in the most beautiful city in the world
- In case of war, surrender fast in order to gain time
- Not have to read movie's subtitles from Euro Channel
- Test atomic bombs in other people's countries
- Listen to the girlfriend saying 'je t'aime mon amour'
- Be gay without anyone noticing it (after all, everyone talks by making cute mouth movements)
- Have the reputation of being untamed lovers, even if it is just myth and reputation
REASONS TO BE BRITISH
- Two wars and one world cup
- Warm beer
- Confuse everyone with the rules of criquete game
- Accept handsomely losing in a sport
- Make the best baked potato in the world
- Laugh uncontrollably with the boring jokes from Mr Bean
- Live in the past thinking that it is still a world leader
- Take showers every week - needing or not
- Be gentle and tolerant with the 'inferior people' who visit them
- Know that all insects come from Scotland
REASONS TO BE ITALIAN
- Have a tremendous knowledge of the craziest shapes of pastas
- Flirting with all the women that pass on the street
- Call its own car 'la mia macchina' even if it is an old junk
- Be a pacifist: the last military victories took place in ancient time
- Know how to talk with the hands
- Being able to say 'amore mio' without having worked at Globo
- Call soccer 'calccio' and still be world champion for three times
- Have the best bodyguards, right there in Sicily
REASONS TO BE ARGENTINAN
- Be the result of the cross between Indian and Italian, but believe that you are British
- Think that Mendoza's wine is better than Chilean's
- Believe that they are the best in soccer (actually, believe that they are the best in everything!)
- Be Brazil's neighbors
- Have the biggest pride of the national shoes, even though they are not able to purchase them...
REASONS TO BE BRAZILIAN
- The best soccer in the world!
- Drink caipirinha on the beach!
- Vatapa, feijoada, tutu de feijao, muqueca capixaba, virado a paulista and barbecue
- Women in bikini: blondes, brunettes, red haired, oriental, blacks
- Live in South America and not have to speak Spanish
- Have the same nationality as God
- Have a 34-year-old soccer player that does not smell cocaine
- Have the happiness of not being born in Argentina
- Learn English even without knowing Portuguese
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision.
You're in Louisiana... In New Orleans, to be exact... There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. This is a flood of major proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is showing all its destructive fury. You see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be swept away with the water and debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly, you know who it is... it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever. You know for a fact that he will die if you don't do something quickly. You have only two options. You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life. You can save the life of George W. Bush or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. This photo will catapult you into the stratosphere of journalism.
Now, here's the question (and please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
A past member walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the past member matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies, "Those are for motorcycle riders. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
Those are for Leicester Phoenix Motorcycle Club members," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for EX-members. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologising profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits,
"But my thumb still hurts like hell."
A past member got home late one night and his wife yelled: "Where the hell have you been!!??"
He replied "I was out getting a tattoo."
She said "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
Proudly he said "I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my whanger."
The wife, shaking her head in disbelief, said "What the hell were you thinking!? WHY on earth would an old fart like you get a hundred dollar bill there?"
He replied "Well... Number one...I like to watch money grow. Number two... Once in a while I like to play with my money. Number three...I like how money feels in my hand and lastly... Instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!"
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes, by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"
A past member died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The past member responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The past member is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a biker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the fastest motorcycles from all over the world and ride out raising ... er ... hell. If you crash, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into rock'n'roll?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love rock'n'roll! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is Rock Night. All the best bands! Buddy Holly. Elvis live ... well actually, dead ... you know?"
"Wow," the past member said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"O o o o o o h, you're gonna hate Fridays."
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said: "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles per hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat...
"Now he's president of the United States."
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar (past member of course).
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for a young man to have such a large collection of Teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. All the while thinking to herself ... Oh bless! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children? ... etc.
She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The past member says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
The United Nations decided to carry a worldwide survey. A letter was sent to all nations' representatives, asking this question:
"Please answer, honestly. What is your opinion about the shortage of food in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure.
None of the Europeans understood what "shortage" meant.
The Africans had no idea what "food" was.
The Cubans required more information about the meaning of "opinion".
The Argentinians had no knowledge of the word "please".
The North Americans had no idea of what the "rest of the world" meant.
And the Brazilian Parliament is still discussing what "honestly" means.
A Leicester Phoenix MCC member and his new wife had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on his bike and party with his old buddies at the club. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the motorcycle club, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The Phoenix member didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the club... you know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The biker, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the club they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the club.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...
"LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F**K UP, DRINK YOUR GOD DAMN BEER IN YOUR F****NG FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR F****NG HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F****NG MOTORBIKE CLUB! THAT S**T IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story, past members?
A past Phoenix member enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at a table nearby.... alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman.
She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.
The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million in the bank."
"But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!!!
The Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists: a university graduate and a past Phoenix member.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old biker top that they thought.
But the past member made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a rallying went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
Another first prize for the past members!
The wife of a past member goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm married to a past LPMCC member so I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Damn me, a new brothel and a new madam."
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes." says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes." complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the past member comes home. "Well blow me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Zak?"
The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.
"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.
After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.
"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused.
"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"
The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.
"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps."
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side."
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old past Phoenix member are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note.
Q: Who gets it?
A: The old past member, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one formyself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish,genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35." she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Holy Father.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness. Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Johnny Depp.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Johnny Depp, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Johnny Depp."
And so the Lord let her keep him. Johnny, that is.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
- You believe in Santa Claus.
- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
- You are Santa Claus.
- You look like Santa Claus.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a gritter!"
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said..
"Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang ...
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!' So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we gonna get.'
Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?
To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit?
So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'
Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin' the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're a nun you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: first you have to be single and second you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Zak and I'm going to a New Years Eve party."
Sadly we lost Foz in August this year - but only in body. His legacy lives on thanks to Foz Jr, Eric Tindall, MaLu, Rob Winnett, Graham Mills and others who contibuted to the Foz Spot through 2005 and kept us cheerful in spite of everything. Keep them coming!