Tears rolled down our legs and the Foz Spot rolled through 2006. Here are all the old ones once more.
Last night I went out for a reunion with the lads. I told my missus that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy.
After midnight I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my other half would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I said "Midnight."
She didn't seem bothered. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
A scooterer rider walked into The Rocket wearing his new parka.
Before he ordered a pint, he saw the Leicester Phoenix MCC lads and decided to leave.
'Where are you going?' asked the barman.
'Thought I'd not be wanted here' the mod replied.
'You can't leave until you have rolled the dice pal' said the barman.
'What do you mean?'
'If you roll between 1 and 5 they beat the crap out of you.'
The mod replied, 'and if I roll a 6?'
'You get another throw.'
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took off and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,
but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer" she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "What should I do? ... Oh-I know."
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!" pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."
Thanks to Jeff Waller for the following scam warning.
PLEASE BE WARNED!
I don't know how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.
I am sending this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping.
This happened to me at my local Tesco and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T‑shirts.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Friday, Saturday, twice on Sunday, again on Tuesday, and also yesterday.
Don't let this happen to you.
Saturday 5th February 2005.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
Saturday 5th February 2005.
England lost to Wales. Gutted. Got a shag though.
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000...."
"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies. "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
Who cares", she replies, "Just sod off!"
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop; the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby." says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now, though." mum confides..
"Oh so sad dear." says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr, too." says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18." she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr, also." says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you SURE this is where he fell in?"
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on 1 April this year?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot the bastard!
Tony Blair started jogging near Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Fiver!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He knew he'd better have a damn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the tart.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the tart yelled, "See what you get for a fiver!"
A past member joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The past member replies, "Listen lady, at my age I only get an erection once a month. ...
"I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container........."
TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM
The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
She says "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said: "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious: "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with vibrator.
"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch.
"What the hell are you doing?" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law."
This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a past LPMCC member slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again the past member slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the past member and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The guy replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says,
"Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards!"
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *%&^*%," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his p@n1s hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser, who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani."
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!"
The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a British citizen?"
She says, "No, I am from Rumania!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?"
The Rumanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."
A past member left work Friday afternoon, but, instead of going home, took his bike on a rally with the boys and stayed out the whole weekend without telling his wife.
When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry spouse, who barraged him for two hours with a tirade of yelling.
Finally, she stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased by 'f. This will make words like 'fotograf 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible rules of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ye vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Peter is relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade sipping a beer and listening to the radio.
As he chills out, his wife struggles with a manual mower, pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
Peter's next-door-neighbour sees the woman battling with the mower and shouts across the fence "You pathetic excuse for a man," he yells "sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody well hung."
"I am" Peter shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
"Past Phoenix member, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Norton rider, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on booze. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. BSA rider 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he'd managed to trigger a speed camera." replies the coroner.
A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listener's lives. The following are the final 4.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's Willie last night!" The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me, were the screams of laughter.
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE". My entire family...aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and Embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checkout chick got on the public address system and boomed out for the entire store to hear "Price check on Tampax Supersize." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks" in a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb,or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"
This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year in a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?" "That's correct." Responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little annoyed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Fookin hurts, don't it?!"
After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon- the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". "Ahhh, that's really nice." said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently,it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored into her shoulder blades for her wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomised."
"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that." says the old lady.
Bill the dragon slayer had a long standing obsession to nuzzle the breasts of the beautiful Queen , but he also knew that to do so or even suggest such a thing would mean his death.
One day however, he disclosed his secret desire to his friend Horatio, the King's private physician. Horatio exclaimed that he could make Bill's desire come true but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to do so.
Bill readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and sprinkled some in the Queen's bra whilst she was bathing. Soon after the Queen dressed, the powder took effect and the itching became intolerable. The King then summoned Horatio to the Queen's chamber to attend to her. Horatio informed the Queen that only a special saliva applied for up to four hours would cure the itching and that tests throughout the Kingdom had revealed that only Bill the Dragon slayer had such saliva. The King immediately summoned Bill and Horatio slipped the antidote for the itching powder to Bill who placed it in his mouth and began to work passionately on the Queens breasts.
Eventually the itching eased and Bill left the chamber a very satisfied man.
Upon returning to his room Bill was confronted by Horatio who demanded his payment of 1,000 gold coins. Bill knowing that Horatio could never report his indiscretion to the King refused to pay Horatio and sent him on his way.
The next day Horatio slipped a handful of itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Bill the dragon slayer.
Moral of the story.........
Always pay your bills!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
An Irishman is looking for a job, but the Boss doesn't want to hire him and comes up with a plan. He tells the Irishman he won't hire him until he passes a maths test.
"Here's your first question", the Boss says. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9".
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says. "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Tree and tree and tree make nine" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough", says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99".
The Irishman thinks for a few minutes, then picks up the picture of the three trees, and makes a smudge on each tree.
"Ere you go".
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried, because he doesn't want to have to hire the Irishman so he says, "All right last question, same rules apply, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman thinks again for a minute, then he picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the bottom of each tree, and says "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the picture and says "You must be mad if you think that represents 100."
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred ... So when do I start?"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today."
Operator: "Computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?"
"Because my mum is a Man Utd fan and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your Dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
The difference between "guts" and "balls"
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with your mates, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty."
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the a swimming pool'... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Oh sorry I think I have the wrong number!!!!
, an (ex) LPMCC rider got pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding, and the bobby started to lecture about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make uncomfortable.
Finally, the cop got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The cop stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are - I never heard of circle flies."
So says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The copper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey . . . wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' ass."
The cop says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
One day a young woman went to see her doctor who had to share the news with her that she was indeed pregnant.
The doctor then says to the 16 year old, "Young lady do you have any idea who the father of your child might be?"
The young woman replies, "Doctor its like this.... if you eat a can of beans, do you know which one made you fart?"
For Christmas, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with three legs, one eye and makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with three legs, one eye, makin' love while farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with three legs, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with three legs, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with three legs, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus?
Nominated as the best short joke so far this year....
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet." she replied.
Thanks for jokes through the year from Adam Fosberry, Eric Tindall, Ken Wells, Rob Winnett and all the others in the Comedy Circus team.
Please don't be offended if you sent a joke and didn't get named. Anonimity is a benefit.
I think we just about covered all sections this year. The only ones who won't complain will be the BSA owners because they aren't on the internet yet. You should only be offended if we ignored you!
... and it's bloody funny