Where do all the joke keep coming from? The Foz Spot of course! And the great bunch of contributors who keep us laughing out loud.
One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well lady," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep and it was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"
Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk ' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Good Housekeeping. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks And a black house is made from black bricks, What is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, "Get your ass over here! What's your name?"
"Paul," the new recruit replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-shit they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only --- Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as 'Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The recruit sighed "Darling. My name is Paul Darling."
"Okay, Paul, here's what I want you to do ....."
Several members were at the motorcycle club. A mobile phone on the bar rang and a man engaged the hands-free speaker function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000, Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new 2014 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price you want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £895,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £850,000, They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hung up. The other men in the room stared at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turned and asked: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A guy went to his Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replied "Yes - caffeine"
"Have you ever been in the services?"
"Yes," he said. "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment," and then asked "are you disabled in any way?"
The guy said, "Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer told the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 2pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10am every day."
The guy was puzzled and asked, "If the hours are from 8am to 2pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"
"This is a council job," the interviewer replied. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. Not really any point in you coming in for that."
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees.
A class of five-year old schoolchildren returned to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher asked to the first child "Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?"
Becky replied "I have been playing in the sand box."
"Very good," said the teacher "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit."
Becky duly wrote 's a n d' on the blackboard.
"Very good," said the teacher and gave Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then said, "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?"
Freddie replied, "Playing with Becky in the sand box."
"Very good," said the teacher, "if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit."
Freddie duly went and wrote 'b o x' on the blackboard.
"Very good," said the teacher and gave Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then said, "Mohommed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?"
"No," replied Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives."
"Oh dear," said the teacher, "that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit."
I was so depressed last night thinking about the poor economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds , etc. that I called the Samaritans.
I reached a darn call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck! Bastards!
A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looked at him and said, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replied the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaimed the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too." said the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that." Said the barman as he pulled the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road." Explained the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman couldn't believe the duck and wanted to learn more, but took the hint when the duck pulled out a newspaper from his bag and proceeded to read it.
So, the duck read his paper, drank his beer, ate his sandwich, bid the barman good day and left.
The same thing happened for two weeks.
Then one day the circus came to town.
The ringmaster came into the pub for a pint and the barman said to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus... He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous." said the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck came into the pub the barman said, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," said the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," said the barman.
"The circus?" repeated the duck.
"That's right," replied the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asked again. "With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replied.
"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" said the duck.
"Of course," the barman replied.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persisted the duck.
"That's right!" said the barman.
The duck shook his head in amazement, and said ...
"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer?"
Son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looked at her son and replied: "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanked his Mom and went off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looked at his son in surprise and said: "Son, all household appliances come in white."
An BSA owner was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely BSA owner.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and ... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening ... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the BSA owner started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walked past and said, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs Parks, asked her class "Which human body part increases to ten times its original size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its original size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs Parks said, "Very good, Billy."
She then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son to whom he gives three 10p coins, to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy promptly coughs-up 2 of the coins, but keeps-on choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking - shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman, in a blue business-suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a coffee - she neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist - gently at-first, but then ever-so firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs-up the last of the 10p coins - which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar - all without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely - saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied ..... "I'm with The Inland Revenue!"
Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What tha' sellin'ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing well then. Only two left!"
The moral for Southerners - Don't mess with Yorkshiremen!!!
President Obama and Prime Minister David Cameron were sitting in a bar. A past member walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Cameron sitting over there?"
The bartender said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?"
Obama replied, "We're planning WW III."
The guy said, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Obama said, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?"
Obama turned to Cameron and said, "See, I told you. No one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims!"
Mrs.Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."
It was near the Easter break of the school year. The students had turned in all their work and there was really nothing more to do. All the children were restless and the teacher decided to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny said to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny was boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turned her back Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
A man owned a small farm in Australia.
The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." demanded the rep.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week. Pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit." says the agent.
"That would be me." replied the farmer.
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
Simply read from bottom to the top.
Barak Obama and David Cameron were shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decided to test it by asking a question each.
Barak went first.
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirred and beeped and went into action and gave him a printout. He read it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
David thought "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asked "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirred and beeped and went into action, and he got a printout.
But he just stared at it.
"Come on David" said Barak, "What does it say?"
David replied, "Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!"
New Government Seal
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your trousers and underpants and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
Morris returned from the doctor and told his wife that the doctor said he had only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asked his wife for sex. Naturally, she agreed, so they made love.
About 6 hours later, the husband went to his wife and said "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agreed, and they did it again.
Later, as the man went bed, he looked at his watch and realised that he now had only 8 hours left. Only 8 hours!
He touched his wife's shoulder and asked "Honey, please - just one more time before I die."
She said, "Of course dear," and they made love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolled over and fell asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tossed and turned, until he was down to 4 more hours.
He tapped his wife, who roused. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours... Do you think we could..."
At this point his wife sat up and said, "Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning - you don't."
A past member named Tony with a winking problem applied for a position as a travelling salesman and went in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified," said the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."
"But wait," said Tony. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."
"Then show me," replied the interviewer.
Tony reached into his pocket and pulled out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He popped the pills and immediately stopped winking.
"It's great you stopped winking," said the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanising all over the country."
"What do you mean?" asked Tony. "I'm happily married."
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asked the interviewer.
"Oh that" sighs Tony "Have you ever tried walking into a chemists, winking, and asking for aspirin?"
A guy out green-laning smacked his crotch really badly on the fuel tank.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl, married her and went on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room, she ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no-one has EVER touched these."
He immediately dropped his pants and replied, "Look at this, still in the CRATE!"
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman to make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his ####in' widow."
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: "It's me wife! I've accidentally shot her, I tink I've killed her!"
Operator: "Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!"
Irishman: "Orright den, done dat, what's next?"
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, she would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side. "
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye...
"My wife is from Wales."
A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I remember about that rally, you're lucky you don't bark!"
A little known fact:
The first testicular guard (box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.
A train hit a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perished.
They were all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asked the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggled and shyly replied, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter said, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asked the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl was a little reluctant but replied, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter said, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there was a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girls pushed her way to the front of the line.
When she reached the front of the line St. Peter said, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replied, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Thelma sticks her arse in it."
A man checked into a hotel in Brazil. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email.
Meanwhile somewhere in Leicestershire a widow had just arrived home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first email she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: 5 September 2014
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It is dammed hot down here!
Coming soon - The Aspirin Tax
The Government is going to impose a 40% tax on Aspirin!
Why, you ask..?
Well, primarily because it's WHITE and it WORKS!
Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £5.50 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
A twin-engine plane had one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed were rapidly decreasing ...
The pilot spoke over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."
Baggage was thrown out, but the plane's speed continued to decrease.
Again the pilot got on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter A: Africans, any Africans on board?"
No one answered.
"Ok then, B: Black people, any black people?"
"C: Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"
A little boy in the back turned to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African? Ain't we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"
"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first."
A small boy was sat at the side of the road, weeping.
Murphy, who was strolling down the road, stopped when he saw the lad who was obviously distressed. He asked him "What's the matter, lad?"
"My mother has just died." said the boy.
"Would you like me to call the priest?" offers Murphy.
"No thanks" said the lad. "Sex is the last thing I want at this time."
A Banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out of the car, a lorry came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabbed his mobile and called the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrived. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbeds the Porsche owner.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The Banker looked down in horror.
"F***ING HELL!" he screamed ... "Where's my Rolex?"
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a motorcycle rally site noticed the coarse language of the bikers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the motorcyclists and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other ... very confused.
One of the bikers looked up into the beer tent and yelled out, "Anybody in here know Jesus Christ?"
One of the rallyists yelled back, "Why?"
The rallyist yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple were married. She was a virgin. Truth be told, he was a virgin too, but she didn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowered naked under the sheets as her husband undressed in the darkness. He climbed into bed next to her and tried to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispered, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he said, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hoped would impress her.
A thoughtful silence followed and he waited patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispered back, "I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asked her, "You want... Garlic Chicken wif fried rice?"
A group of 40 year old past members discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had great bodies and were very young.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection excellent.
Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and it had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because it had wheelchair access and they even had a lift.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people showed up. One was a good looking, past Leicester Phoenix member in his late sixties and the other was a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About halfway there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles. He continued to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turned to the old biker and asked, "Can you top that?"
The tough old biker replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Paddy told Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.
"Fook off." said Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever" I said.
"I am sorry" said the fairy "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine" I said, "I want to die when England win the world cup."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
A yellow toad was wandering around in the forest sad because he didn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumped into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begged her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me."
"Okay" said the fairy godmother, who whipped out her magic wand and said:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looked down and saw that he was brown! Except ... for his weenie, which was still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he said to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she replied, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
So the toad thanks her and hopped off on his way.
There was also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encountered the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" said the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she took out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she said. And with that, she yelled: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looked down and saw that he was, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remained purple.
"Hold up sweetheart!" he said to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replied, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," said the fairy godmother as she flew off ...
You know what's coming don't you?
She flew off, saying ...
"Just follow the yellow-dick toad!"
True Friendship... SCOTTISH STYLE!!
(None of that Sissy sh##e )
Are ye tired o those pish weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series o promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute wee smiley faces here.
1. When ye are sad -- I will help you get pished and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.
2. When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.
3. When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When ye are scared -- I will take the pish oot o you every chance I get, until you're NOT.
5. When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING!
6. When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.
7. When ye are sick -- Stay the f*** away fae me until ye are well again. I don't want whatever ye've got.
8. When ye fall, I will laugh my heed aff at you, you clumsy arse, ... but I'll help you up.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it tae the end.
'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend.
Friendship is like pishing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.) In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said ...
Thanks for all the jokes from Adam Fosberry and others.