This is the final Foz Annual due to the scarcity of suitable material. Jokes will be added when something witty turns up.
Everything at some point has to come to an end (besides sunrise, sunsets and getting screwed by the government) Not much you can say now a days without pissing off someone.
Adam Fosberry - Foz Jr
A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid."
"Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
An Australian man was seeking to join the Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview said: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he said:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six religious extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," said the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large biker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The biker smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Then she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ...
"Nope....you are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?"
Parvinder says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Habib"s sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Parvinder says "No wonder you only get £2- £3"
Habib says "So what does your sign say?"
Parvinder shows Habib his sign....
It reads, "I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan"
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
A teenage boy had inquired of his father as to when he could get a motorcycle.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about a motorbike."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied :
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
A Polish man moved to Leicester and married a local girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: Polish Remover
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscle Contraction" to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably out motorcycling with his mates!"
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
A guy walked into a bikers pub and said, "I hear you bikers are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll bet £500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of beer back-to-back."
The room was quiet and no one took up the offer. One man even left. Thirty minutes later the same biker who left came back and tapped the guy on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", he asked.
The guy said yes and asked the bartender to line up 10 pints. Immediately the biker went down the line of glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheered as the guy sat in amazement.
The guy gave the biker the £500 and said, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The biker replied, "I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.
One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
They sent one of the club member's census form back.
In answer to the question; "Do you have any dependants?", He put;
"Asylum seekers, smack heads, unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS, Ireland, Portugal, Greece and half of f'kin Eastern Europe!"
...apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer!
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." and he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses, Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus! ... The poor man can hardly contain his delight and he climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son ... I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman, dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said,"Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off, asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then, she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,"Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said,"Yes", and broke down crying.
She asked,"Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes, he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood took my sheep, a fire leveled my barn and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches..."
A couple took in an 19-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Wednesday's the best night, when my husband goes out to his motorbike club", she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Wednesday.
After her husband had gone out to the bike club the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Wednesday, when you go to the bike club, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Wednesday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department ... very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when her husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know", he said, "but the bike club lads hadn't!"
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years & came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, & shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Irish Department of Agriculture reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet near Ballyhaunis, Co Mayo, Mick O'Connor, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely feck all. Mick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."
An 18 year old Italian girl told her Mom that she had missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother went to the pharmacy and bought a pregnancy kit.
The test result showed that the girl was pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said, "Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picked up the phone and made a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stopped in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit stepped out of the Ferrari and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and told them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem."
"I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looked him directly in the eyes and told him
"You a gonna try again!"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ... twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
Bob thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesdays I go to the motorcycle club!"
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen!"
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who've found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Bill Jenkins is such a person:
This is quoted from Bill:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it almost every day and I really enjoy it."
Bill should be an inspiration to us all.
Remember this story the next time someone tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental" was the reply "we got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... "that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich" laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful, explained the woman "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser,"that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the f*** did your hair?"
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
So he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding." said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
A man went to a barber shop for a shave. While the barber was foaming him up, he mentioned the problem he had getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," said the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client placed the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeded with the closest shave the man had ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asked in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," said the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number? and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ...
"Go get your Mother."
It all began with an iPhone...
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
September came, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started ...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This unfortunately activated the iNag application.
Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.
The Mexican maid had asked for a pay increase, and the wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora ... the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to." was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f???? Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down, then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are."
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
I hope you can help me. The other day, 1 set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none or these solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the Peak District.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Son!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Son, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankiy, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No," - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
This is a test for Intelligent People. I have determined that you qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.. This question tested whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the Refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tested your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on) and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your motorbike and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping ostrich.
Both the horse and ostrich are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed.
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth man was a government employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet ...
Ate the cookies ...
Drank the milk ...
Sh*t on the paper ...
Screwed the other three cats ...
Claimed he injured his back while doing so ...
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions ...
Put in for Workers Compensation ...
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave ...
And that, my friend is why everyone wants to work for the government!
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming did you?
Paddy was working at the fish plant when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the hospital emergency room.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, "Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what I can do.".
Paddy said, "Oi haven't got da fingers."
"Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2016! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?"
And Paddy said, "How da fock was I s'pose to pick dem up?"
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh, please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.
He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish, but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Exthuse me. do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."
After being married for 45 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ... "Forty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a bicycle, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.
"Now ... I have a £500,000 home, a garage full of motorcycles, a £35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV and ... I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
After Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
Donald Trump addressed a major gathering of Native Americans.
He spoke for over an hour on his plans for putting the Great back into America.
At the conclusion of his speech the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed President Elect then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to the PE.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women which should be far less susceptible to theft.
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, calling it the "Clitaurus."
The average male thief won't be able to find it ... let alone operate it!
Two motorbike club pals had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting once a week to cycle and have lunch.
One day they were on their regular day out when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
His friend glared at him. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared. Finally he said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Just back from a holiday in Thailand and came so close to shagging a lady boy!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.
It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed into the garage first time I thought to myself "Hang on a minute..."
Thanks for all the jokes from Adam Fosberry and others.