We thought the Foz Spot had drawn to an end last year but it seems that we can't avoid it so easily. We are always glad to receive your jokes, add them to our News and tell them again here in case you missed one.
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policewoman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Washington Post Neologism (new meanings for common words) winners
Coffee (n), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj),appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n), gross olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence (n), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Circumvent (n), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that when you die your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
So the old Phoenix club member visited a Psychiatrist.
The shrink said "Now I'm going to show you a series of pictures and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head."
The first picture was a square. "Sex!" said our man.
The second was a circle. "Sex!" he said again.
Then a triangle. "Sex!" was again the response.
The shrink settled back in his chair and thought for a moment. Finally he leaned forward and said "I think I have a diagnosis. You're completely obsessed with sex."
Our man replied "Well you're the one showing me the dirty pictures!"
An old motorcyclist goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
"I can cut them for you," said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
"I am 96." said the old guy. "I don't want an erection....
"I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers."
The following conversation took place in the palace of the supreme leader of North Korea.
Kim Jong Un: "Nuke the Chinese."
Adviser: "No problem your Excellency, missiles will be launched in 3 minutes."
Kim Jong Un: "I was talking about microwaving some food you idiot."
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Georgie grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No" I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:
I used to like Georgie, the little shit.
I walked into the gym and saw a bunch of fit ladies working out, I asked the guy who runs the gym, "Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?"
He smiled and replied "Try the ATM in the lobby".
Julie was driving a people carrier full of ten screaming kids. Too frazzled to effectively pay attention, she coasted right through a stop sign.
A motorcyclist who she narrowly missed yelled, "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?"
Julie put her head out of her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these kids are all mine?"
While motorcycling down a highway I approached a van which had on the back "Caution, this van is being driven by a blind man".
As I passed this vehicle the name on the side indicated that it was a delivery van for installing window treatments including Venetian blinds.
I thought it was gonna be curtains for someone!
Paul saw an advertisement for a Motorcycle Riding School that claimed it could teach anyone to ride a bike in ten minutes.
He 'phoned the school and asked, "How can you possibly teach anyone to ride in only ten minutes?"
The receptionist replied, "It's a crash course."
The old biker was at Marvin's Door & Windows showroom having an argument with the salesman.
He said, "Just six months back I converted into a green home by replacing all my windows with those pricey energy efficient ones that you convinced me to take. Now I receive a notice from you that I have not paid for the windows!"
The salesman said, "That's absolutely right, sir."
Biker "Do you think I am stupid? Didn't you claim that the windows would pay for themselves in 6 months?"
Some advice for my old biker pals.
If your doctor says you need to watch your drinking...
... position a mirror in a suitable location or ask them to install one behind the bar.
A biker made a rare visit to a barber, holding a small boy by the hand. After the guy had his haircut and shave he placed the small boy in the chair and told the barber "I've just to do an errand. I'll only be a minute."
The boy had his haircut and the biker hadn't returned.
"Looks like your father's forgotten all about you." the barber said to the boy.
"Oh, that wasn't my dad." said the boy. "He just walked up to me outside and said 'Come on, lad, let's go and have a free haircut.'".
A tourist in Vienna was going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he heard music. No one was around, so he started searching for the source.
He finally located the origin and found it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".
Then he realized that the music was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it was being played backward!
Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrived back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards.
Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar. When they returned with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing, again backwards.
The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word had spread and a crowd was gathered around the grave. They were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group.
Someone in the group asked him if he had an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker said...
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making yob stepped up next to me, grabbed my drink and gulped it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he said, menacingly.
I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the guy said, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my bike had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I bought a drink, I dropped a poison capsule in and sat here watching the poison dissolve... then you showed up and stole it... !"
"But enough about me. How's your day going?"
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, a farmer said to his wife: "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail over the stall where the cow is. Please show him when he gets here, OK?"
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. The farmers wife took him down to the cow shed and they walked along the stalls. When the farmers wife found the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here. "
The man, assuming he was dealing with a yokel asked, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple, " she said. "By the nail that's over its stall, " she explained.
Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The farmer's wife turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on. "
One of the club members was stopped on the way to this year's Big End Rally carrying two big bags tied loosely over his pillion seat.
The police found the bags were full of telephones and wanted to know what he was doing with them.
"I don't know." he told them. "There is a swing band on Saturday and they asked me to bring two sacks of phones."
A travel agent noticed an old lady and an old man gazing longingly at his display photos of exotic holiday resorts. As a publicity gimmick he decided to offer them a free round the world cruise with all expenses paid.
When they returned he made sure the TV cameras were there to gain publicity and asked the old lady if they had enjoyed themselves.
"Wonderful!" she replied "But tell me one thing. Who was that old man I had to sleep with every night?"
A blind man was sitting with a begging bowl in the street. A lady threw a coin at the bowl but it missed and rolled into the gutter.
Before the astonished woman could say anything the blind man got up and retrieved the coin.
"I thought you were blind!" said the outraged woman.
"Oh no. I'm not blind at all." said the man. "I'm standing in for the real blind man who's gone to the cinema."
A Phoenix member arriving home from the club in the early hours of the morning, a little worse for wear, wondered how he would get up the stairs without waking his wife.
Suddenly he had a bright idea. He tied all the pots and pans he could find to a piece of string and dragged them upstairs.
"She'll never hear me with all this noise." he laughed.
One of the bike club members recently retired from his successful business and was bragging about how poor his family was when he was a child.
"For the first five years I hadn't a stitch to wear." he claimed, "For my sixth birthday my mother knitted me a cap so I could sit and look out the window."
One of the guys went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor," he began, "can I ask you two questions?"
"Of course." said the psychiatrist.
"Well, is it possible for a man to fall in love with an elephant?"
"No, it is not." replied the psychiatrist. "What is your second question?"
"Do you know anyone who needs a very large engagement ring?"
If you don't send some better jokes we'll tell you about the guy who thinks a Royal Enfield is where the Queen keeps her chickens.
Five Rules to Remember in Life
Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
These should assist you with most daily decisions.
It's good to be back on the phone and the web.
Hello! Gordon's pizza?
No sir it's Google Pizza.
So it's a wrong number?
No sir, Google bought it.
OK. Take my order please.
Well sir, you want the usual?
The usual? Do you know me?
According to caller ID the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust.
OK! That's it.
May I now recommend ricotta, arugula with sun dried tomato?
No, I hate vegetables.
But your cholesterol is 7.4
How do you know?
Through the subscriber's guide. We have your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I don't want this pizza, I already take medicine.
You haven't taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased 30 tablets at Drugs Online.
I bought more from another pharmacy.
It's not showing on your credit card.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
I have another source of cash.
This is not showing on your last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source.
BLOODY HELL? Stuff Google, Facebook Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm off to an Island without the internet.
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport; it expired 5 weeks ago.
Have you ever noticed, how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places?
Ayr Town Centre.
A biker broke down in the desert and was desperate for water. He saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The biker asked, "Do you have water?"
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The biker shouted hysterically, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"A pox on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me an idiot. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need ... Go In Peace!"
Cursing him again the desperate biker staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!"
A Doctor was addressing a large audience.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with monosodium glutamate.
"High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"However, there is one thing that's the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
"Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman & Welshman were up in front of a firing squad.
Each one was allowed a last request.
Welshman. "I would like the finest male voice choir to sing Land of my Fathers."
Scotsman. "I would like the biggest pipe and drum band to play Scotland the Brave."
Irishman. "I would like the best tenor to sing O Danny Boy."
Englishman. "I want to be shot first."
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea! (no eyed deer)
What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards!
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose!
How does a snowman get to work?
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed deer!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Clause?
Who says OH OH OH?
Santa walking backwards!
My friend rode into a tree the other day, racing round his paddock. Thankfully he was able to continue, his bark was worse than his bike.
"I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle. "
"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?"
"No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike. "
Driving one winter's day, I spotted my mate chest-high in snow.
I shouted to offer him a lift but he said: "no thanks, I'm on my bike."
After my recent prostate exam, which was by far the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and a nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.
She said, "Who was that guy?"
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
"That was Thora Hird."
Thanks for all the jokes from Phil the Spill, Roland Potter, Ken Wells, Moira Over, Ian Bower, Tony Loach, Alan Jarvis, Paul and Lynda Dunn and others.