Foz Annual

We were hoping for a more cheerful year but you know what they say...

"Live in hope ...
...die in despair"

Okay, let's try to die laughing.

A boy was selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he was yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor heard this and asked, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responded, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor bought some fish, took them home to his wife, and asked her to cook the dam fish.

His wife was shocked, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."

He explained to her why they were dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asked his son to pass the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A young man, kind of a slow learner, had started to work on a farm. The boss sent him to an outside field to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late for supper. The boss gets on the mobile to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" said the young man.

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me if I get too close!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss," said the young man.

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the kid. The boss gets back on the mobile. "What's the problem now, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck," replied the young man.

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" asked the boss.

The young man replied, "Yeah boss, but the bloody pig's police motorcycle is still jammed under the truck's front wheels."

It had been a long, brutal day and when Jacko reached home from work he plopped himself down and said to his missus, Beryl, "Could you get me a beer before it starts?"

Slightly quizzical, Beryl brought him the beer and watched him drain it before he said again, "I think I have got time for just one more before it starts. Would you mind?"

Muttering under her breath, the missus nevertheless got Jacko the beer and once again watched as he knocked it back.

Wiping the froth from the stubble on his chin, he said, "Geez, that was good. What chance do I have of just one more beer before it starts?"

This time, Beryl was ready for him and launched: "I've had a gutful, Jacko. You've done bloody nothing since you got home but sit on your fat backside and order me around, while I've done nothing but run around after you, and if you think that y........."

At this point, Jacko sagged back in his chair, put his hands to his temples and said,

"Oh Christ, it's started!"

A Chinese man visited India.

He took a taxi at the airport.

Seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow but in China buses run very fast.

After some time, he saw a train passing over a bridge. The Chinese guy told the driver that the trains also run very slow here. In China trains run very fast.

Throughout the journey he complained to the driver, disparaging India.

However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey.

When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what was the taxi fare.

The driver replied it is 5,000 Rupees.

The Chinese guy was shocked after hearing the taxi fare. He shouted: "Are you kidding? In your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?"

To this the driver replied calmly.

"Sir, the meter is made in China !"

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the lady home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The lady looked him over cautiously and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight to London.

After the plane took off, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey, which was immediately served.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

You can't believe everything that scientists tell you.

Those working for NASA have stated that it is possible to live safely and happily on Mars.

Well, I've been eating ten a day and nothing else for the past six months, and I now weigh 31 stone and have been diagnosed with type two diabetes.

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, visited a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talked to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there was a section for questions.

Little Alina put her hand up and asked "I have two questions"

"Why did we annex Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin replied "Good questions" But just as he was about to answer, the bell rang, and the kids went to lunch.

When they came back, they sat back down to resume questions. Another girl, Tatiana, put her hand up and said "I have four questions"

"My Questions are
Why did we annex Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?
Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
And where the hell is Alina?"

George Washington and his men were looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they found a farm. Washington knocked on the door and the farmer answered. Washington said "Excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?"

The farmer looked around and said "Well I only have room for one of you."

Washington looked at his 100 men, and pointed to a young soldier.

"Peters, you were wounded badly in that last battle and kept fighting. You deserve it. Step inside."

Peters stepped up, to stay with the farmer for the night.

Now, without their buddy Peters, the men felt as depressed as ever, and still had no place to stay. Washington and his battered soldiers continued marching.

Eventually they came to a brothel. Washington knocked on the door excitedly and the head mistress answered. "Excuse me ma'am, my men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night? We can pay."

The mistress closed the door for a moment. She excitedly turned to all her girls. "Its been months of no business girls, no men and no action, but we have a whole regiment of handsome young soldiers to service here! Get ready!" The girls giggled excitedly and begin to primp for all the soldiers, having gone months with no business.

The mistress opened the door and said to George "We'd be happy to put you up! How many of you are there?"

Washington looked at his men, and replied "Well, 99 without Peters."

The mistress gasped,
"You've gotta be shitting me."

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life. The American Ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis." replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.

Finally, le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said. "Ma cherie. I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word. 'appiness."

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes:

"Hello toes." He said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees!" He continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie, you little prick! Just think, If you were alive today, you'd be 92."

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, went out and bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. That is what the sales assistant told her!

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me before, what age would you say I am?"

Looking her over carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 25; your hair, 18; your eyes, 22 and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward for such compliments, he stopped her by saying,

"Whoa, hold on there sweetie, I haven't added them up yet!"

The will reading is next Monday!


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind.
He knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And he'll always be my very best friend.


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and likes motorbikes.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a monkey's.

Eric Tindall (who serves as 21st century equivalent of ARP Warden for Melton) sent the following appeal.

Please pray for my wife Susan.

She got stung by a bee in the forehead and she's in the hospital.

Now her face is all swollen and bruised and she almost died.

Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

You are our hero, Eric.

Four husbands were outside a maternity ward, waiting for the nurse to tell them about the babies their wives give birth to.

The nurse walked up to the first man and said, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to twins!

The man said, "What a coincidence because I work at a restaurant called Two Cities."

The nurse walked up to the second man and said, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to triplets!

The man said, "That's weird because I work at a factory called Three Continents."

The nurse walked up to the third guy and said, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to quadruplets!

The man said, "That's very odd because I work at the Four Seasons Hotel."

The fourth man started crying.

One of the men asked, "What's wrong?"

The fourth man responded,
"I work at 7Up."

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!


Husband: I'm not sure. Around 40. We don't do birthdays.

OFFICER: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went on my motorcycle.

OFFICER: What kind of motorcycle was it?

Husband: A 2018 Harley-Davidson Roadglide, Twisted Cherry with 14" apes, stage 2 kit, Vance and Hines fishtail pipes, Klock Werks windshield, JPcycles footboards, highway pegs and crash bars...

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER: Take it easy sir, we'll find your motorcycle.

A bitter husband said to his wife, "On your gravestone I'll put the words:

His wife replied, "Fine, on yours I'll put:

Joe died, and his will provided thirty thousand pounds for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the fairly basic affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand!"

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but thirty thousand pounds?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was one and a half thousand. I donated five hundred to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another five hundred. The rest went on the memorial stone."

Jody computed it quickly. "Twenty-seven and a half thousand pounds for a memorial stone? My god, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

Man in Moscow stopped to buy a newspaper, looked at the front page, then threw it into a nearby waste bin.

This went on for several days.

Vendor said, "Why do you buy a paper, look at the front, then throw it away?".

Man replied, "I'm looking for obituaries."

News vendor said, "Obituaries aren't on the front page."

Man said, "The one I'm looking for will be!"

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight."

Her next announcement came about two hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have forty dinners available."

A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked, "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"

Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."

"Oh, right. How's it going?"

"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 24,000 soldiers, 2,000 tanks, 200 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces. Not forgetting our Black Sea flagship along with other naval pieces"

"Wow! What about NATO?"

"They haven't turned up yet."

A double-homicide defendant was in court.

The Judge said to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You bastard!"

The Judge said, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You rotten bastard!"

The Judges stopped and said to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy stood up and said, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that gob shite and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A couple had 13 children, 12 of them were blonde and had blue eyes, one had black hair and brown eyes, his name was Peter.

The husband said, "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?"

His wife said yes.

The man asked, "Then who is his dad?"

Upon which his wife replied, "You."

One of our pals admitted that during sex he stopped and remained motionless. He then started again and, after some time, stopped to remain motionless once again.

His wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

He replied, "I have seen this new technique on an internet porn site."

His wife groaned, "Stupid...
that is due to buffering."

A Priest was being honoured at his Retirement Dinner after spending several years in the Parish.

The leading local Politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the farewell Dinner.

However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

He commenced with: "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!!"

"I got my first impression of this Parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional, and whom I shall not name, told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his Boss's wife, taken illegal Drugs, had several Homosexual affairs, was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the Politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the Politician.

"In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for a confession."

Girl goes to the motorcycle dealership. Salesman walks over and says "Can I help you with something?"

"Stop right there, sir," she says. "I have done my research, hours on the internet, and I know what I'm doing, so don't be thinking that because I'm a girl that you can take advantage of me."

Salesman replies "No problem miss, I would never do that and I'm here to listen to your needs and help you find the motorcycle you want. So what are you looking for?"

She says "Do you have any blue ones?"

My wife was allowed one last visit before I started my sentence.

"I've baked you a cake," she winked and lowered her voice,

"I've hidden something inside it that might help you in prison."

"What is it?" I whispered, "A file?"

"No silly. A jar of Vaseline."

Hello and welcome to the Psychiatric Health Assistance hotline.
Please listen carefully to the following options:

If you are Obsessive Compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 or 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmothers' maiden names.

If you have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep.

Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please try calling again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.

If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please try calling again later.

Young girl took a job in a sales office and the smoothie rep asked her to have a drink after work.

They went to a nice country pub and he plied her with strong drink. They ended up in the back of the company car going at it like rabbits. After the performance he pulled his trousers up and said, "If I had known you were a virgin I wouldn't have done that."

She replied, "If I had known you were going to do that I'd have took me bloody tights off!"

A member at the club looked sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up?" asked the landlord. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my four-year-old son," he said. "The little bandit got our next-door neighbour pregnant."

"Get away!" exclaimed the landlord. "That's impossible, he's far too young."

"He's not. He punctured all my condoms with a pin."

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of fuel.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings---

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh."

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone.

I put it here because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

Heard about the club member who went to the sperm bank?

The lady asked him if he would ejaculate in the cup.

He said "I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet."

An elderly Italian man went to his local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Bless Me, Father for I have sinned. During the war, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

A past member took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." he replied.

When a famous admiral died, the navy wanted to lay on a grand ceremony in his honour.

After two hours of speeches and hymns, it was suggested that the event should end with a cannon salute.

That was when the organisation of the ceremony threatened to run into trouble, for nobody on the four-man planning committee could seem to agree on the number of shots that should be fired in the salute.

"I think one shot would be perfect," said the first captain. "It would be moving and deeply symbolic."

"I think there should be two," suggested the second captain, "in honour of the two great battles he won."

"Well, I think we should have three shots," said the third captain, "as a mark of respect to the number of ships he commanded."

The fourth captain puffed quietly on his pipe until asked for his opinion.

"There's no argument," he said. "We must fire four shots at the end of the ceremony to commemorate the late admiral's four decorations for gallantry. In fact, I have already discussed the matter with the King, and it has all been approved."

With that, the other three captains stormed out of the room. One turned at the door and said:

"We wouldn't have bothered coming if we had known it was a four-gun conclusion!"

When a famous admiral died, the navy wanted to lay on a grand ceremony in his honour.

After two hours of speeches and hymns, it was suggested that the event should end with a cannon salute.

That was when the organisation of the ceremony threatened to run into trouble, for nobody on the four-man planning committee could seem to agree on the number of shots that should be fired in the salute.

"I think one shot would be perfect," said the first captain. "It would be moving and deeply symbolic."

"I think there should be two," suggested the second captain, "in honour of the two great battles he won."

"Well, I think we should have three shots," said the third captain, "as a mark of respect to the number of ships he commanded."

The fourth captain puffed quietly on his pipe until asked for his opinion.

"There's no argument," he said. "We must fire four shots at the end of the ceremony to commemorate the late admiral's four decorations for gallantry. In fact, I have already discussed the matter with the King, and it has all been approved."

With that, the other three captains stormed out of the room. One turned at the door and said:

"We wouldn't have bothered coming if we had known it was a four-gun conclusion!"

One evening, there was a knock on the O'Flanagans' door.

"Hello Mary," said Sean. "I've got some bad news for you.

There's been a terrible accident down at the brewery and Pat is dead."

"Oh no, my poor husband!" sobbed Mary as she collapsed on the ground. "What happened?"

"It wasn't a pretty sight," sighed Sean. "Pat fell into a huge vat of Guinness and I'm afraid he drowned."

"Aaagh!" wept Mary, and for some minutes she remained unable to speak. Eventually, Mary roused herself and said to Sean. "I hope it was all over quickly?"

"I'm afraid not Mary. He came out four times to take a pee."

A scientist was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit lying on the road after it had just been run over. He stopped to check it out.

Since he just happened to be researching a formula to bring dead things back to life. He took a can of his formula over to the dead rabbit, and sprayed it on the rabbit. Nothing happened.

He headed back to his car, grabbed another can from the glove box, and again sprayed the rabbit. The rabbit quickly came back to life, somewhat stunned but alive nonetheless.

It started hopping away, then stopped and waved at the scientist, hopped a few feet, stopped and waved. It kept hopping and waving until it disappeared into the bushes.

The scientist was puzzled as to why the first can failed but the second worked. He looked at the label...

"HAIR RESTORER - With Permanent Wave"

I told my wife "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

She asked me, "What is that?"

I explained "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

"Okay" she said, "I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second ... we don't go down past my mother's".

A rallyist took a sheep to his tent and said, "Honey, this is the goat I make love to when you have a headache."

His wife, lying inside reading, squinted up and said, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a goat."

The guy replied, "If you weren't such a presumptuous old goat, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Alan in Canada lives close to a golf course and the balls are frequently hit our of bounds onto the roadside verge. Sometimes Alan walks along the verge and collects the stray shots in a plastic bag.

Recently, when waiting for the bus home, the weight of the balls burst through the bottom of his bag so he stuffed them into his trouser pockets.

On the bus a blonde lady couldn't take her eyes off Alan's bulging trousers. Eventually he felt obliged to explain, "It's golf balls."

After a few moments of thought, the blonde enquired, "Is that like tennis elbow?"

A Frenchman, a German and an Irishman were drinking Scotch.

Suddenly a fly fell into each man's drink.

The Frenchman said, "I cannot drink this!"

The German flicked the fly out and downed his drink.

The Irishman reached into the glass, grabbed the fly, turned it upside down over his drink and yelled...
"Spit it out, spit it out!"

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

This new boss was determined to rid the company of all quiet quitters.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he thought this was his chance to show everyone he meant business!

The CEO, walked up to the guy and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

The young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make £200 a week. Why?"

The CEO handed the guy £200 in cash and screamed, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers muttered "That was the Pizza delivery guy."

A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker went to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist told all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulged in their vices again they would die immediately.

On the way back from the hypnotist the three men passed a bar. The alcoholic couldn't help himself. He said "Damn it. That guy is full of shit. There's no way one little drink will kill me." And into the bar he went.

The other two men, curious to see what happens, waited for him outside.

Minutes later the alcoholic opened the bar door, took one step into the street and dropped dead.

The other two men were shocked in disbelief.

The men continued down the street. A man walking towards them flicked an almost full cigarette onto the pavement as he went into a store. The chain smoker stopped in front of the cigarette and stared at it.

The sex addict said to him, "Don't do it man. If you bend over and pick up that smoke, we're both dead!"

A couple was invited to a swanky masked party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left with his costume for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better so she put on her costume and went to the party. As she arrived, she spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. The wife sidled up to him and let him, drunk as he was, go as far as he wished, naturally because he was her husband. Finally, he drunkenly whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So they went off to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before midnight unmasking she slipped away and went home, got in bed, and wondered what kind of explanation he would have.

At breakfast she asked, "Did you have a good time? Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know I never have any fun if you are not with me. I never danced one dance, When I got there I met some of my friends and we played cards all night. I lent my costume to some drunk guy who arrived without one. I woke him up this morning to get my costume back and he said he had a terrific time except for some old hag who coaxed him into a car!."

A Greek and an Italian were arguing over whose cultures were more superior.

The Greek began, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian countered, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek continued, "We gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"We built the Roman Empire," said the Italian.

They go back and forth until the Greek thought he could end it with this.

"We Greeks invented sex for pleasure!"

The Italian replied, "True, but we introduced women into it!"

A Leicester woman has lost her case in the magistrates court today after she tried to sue the NHS University Hospitals because her husband went in for a routine operation that left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.

Mrs Minger of Braustone said to reporters outside court this afternoon, "Me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin' sex till 'e went to 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation. Now 'e's not interested in me and it's all down to them twats!"

The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said, "All we did was remove Fred's cataracts."

Thanks for jokes through the year from Eric Tindall, Jean-Francois Helias, Simon Over and others.

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