Foz Annual

Paddy had a job as a postman and one Monday morning was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that strangely both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Murphy, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Jesus Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented.

Murphy, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night... This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild... We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing...
WHO AM I?"

The Postman thought for a moment and said, "How the hell do you play WHO AM I?".

"Well, all the men go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did Paddy," Murphy responded.

"Your feckin name came up seven times!"

A German tourist jumped in the freezing floods to save my precious little dog who was drowning,

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said “Here is ze dog. Keep him varm and dry him off, he vill be vell."

I said "Are you a vet?"

He replied “Vet? I'm wucking soaking!"

A wife being the romantic sort sent her husband a text

"If you are sleeping send me your dreams. If you are laughing send me your smile. If you are eating send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically unromantic, replied

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window, It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope ... just when it's raining."

There were three Indian squaws.

One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant.

The first two each had a baby boy.

The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

A young lady was swimming at a pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her exposed.

Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.

This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.

"Depth 1.8metres"

Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.

More stares came her way ...... the sign read:

"Men's entrance"

She could sense her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.

Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.

"Repairs ongoing, please enter from the rear"

The club member's wife swore blind that if he got drunk and embarrassed himself again she would divorce him.

So that weekend, he went out to the pub on the promise that he was going to be sensible and not get himself into too much of a state.

Naturally, a few hours later he had become absolutely wrecked and vomited all over his new shirt.

He started panicking and said to his friend, "What am I going to do? She said if I did this again she would leave me!"

His mate said, "Don’t panic, what you do is - you walk in and say... 'I can explain Someone else was sick on me and they gave me this £40 to get it cleaned up’".

So he walked home with £40 in one hand and he said to his wife, "Don’t worry, this wasn’t my fault. Some idiot was sick and he gave me this money as his way of saying sorry."

She said to him, "There’s £80 there... What about the £40 in your other hand?"

He said, "Aah, that was an apology from the guy who crapped in my jeans."

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the check-up, the doctor asked him if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going to the bathroom, the fairy or something turns the light off for me. It's really wonderful!"

The doctor looked concerned and scribbled some notes about this and continued on with the check-up.

After the check-up, the doctor went out to the waiting room where one of the man's family members asked him how the check-up went.

The doctor responded, "Well Ma'am, his check-up went OK. Physically, he's as healthy as can be for a 90-year-old. But mentally, I'm worried he's coming down with dementia or something."

The lady, with a concerned look on her face asks, "Why do you say that?"

The doctor responded and said, "Well, during the check-up, he told me that when he goes to the bathroom at night, a fairy or something turns on the light when he opens the door and that same fairy or something turns off the light for him when he finishes. I'm just a little concerned about his mental health."

The lady with a horrified look turns to the rest of the family and says, "Oh no, Grandpa's been pissing in the fridge again!"

One night a child walked into the bathroom and saw their mum's bush while she bathed. "what's that?" they asked.

The mum thought quickly and replied, "It's a sponge."

That night the husband came home and extolled the virtues of "shaving down below".

The mum shaved and a few days later the child wanders into the bathroom again and inquired "Where's your sponge?"

The mum quickly said, "I lost it, could you help me find it?" and thought nothing more of it.

Two days later the child ran into the house and said "I found your sponge!!"

Intrigued, the mum said "Oh, ok, whereabouts exactly did you find it?"

The child replied "I was playing with Timmy next door when we heard some noises, we went to see what it was and when we looked in his parent's bedroom, Mrs Jones was washing dad's face with it!"

A tired businessman walked into a bar and saw a dusty old lamp on a shelf behind the counter.

He asked the bartender, “Hey, what’s with the lamp?”

Bartender shrugged, “Rub it if you want. But I’m warning you — the genie's a bit weird.”

The man, half-drunk and curious, grabbed the lamp and gave it a rub. Poof! A genie appeared.

The genie said, “You get one wish. Make it count.”

The man thought long and hard, then said, “Alright, I want a billion bucks and to be irresistible to every woman I meet.”

The genie nodded, snapped his fingers — and poof — the man was transformed into...
a giant credit card.

The bartender burst out laughing.

The man screamed, “What the hell?!”

The bartender shrugged, “Told you he was weird. He’s literal — last guy wished for a long, hard night, and woke up as a Viagra pill in a retirement home.”

A fifth grade class was given a homework assignment to find something exciting to talk about the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the classroom, and made a small dot on the blackboard.

Puzzled, his teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," replied the boy.

"What's so exciting about a period?" she asked.

"I don't know," said the boy, "But this morning my older sister was missing one, my mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

A blonde ran inside an emergency room screaming in panic: “Doctor, doctor, how is he?”

The doctor said: “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. He’s suffered a massive heart attack, three fractured ribs and a brain concussion.”

So the blonde asked: “Doctor, can I speak to him?”

The doctor said: “Absolutely not. His condition is unstable, but if you have something to tell him, I can pass it on.”

The blonde said: “Okay, can you just ask him if I passed my driving test?”

An old biker walked into his local bar with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asked the bartender.

"Well, I’ll tell you," replied the ugly guy. "You know I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night I saw a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. Of course, I cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky dog. Was she pretty?"

"I don’t know. I never found her head."

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck"

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

A Geordie was so devoted to his pet dog that when it died he wanted it commemorated in the form of a gold statue.

So he went to a local jeweller's shop and asked, "Can ya make me a gold statue of ma dog?"

"Certainly, sir," said the jeweller, "Would you like it eighteen carat?"

"No, daft lad, I want it chewin' a bone."

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man. "What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son — not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back to life!"

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this really be his father?

"One last question: Are you by any chance a carpenter?"

"I am!"

The old man smiled. "I've missed you too, Pinocchio!"

Ornithology

I was down at the hide one morning when I heard someone at the door. A young lady poked her head in and said "Oh! Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here."

"That's all right," I said, "there's room for two. Here, I'll move my stuff up."

I moved my flask and sandwiches to let the young lady in. "Hi, my name's Ben."

"My name's Fancy," she blushed, deep enough that I could see it in the dim light of the hide. "Blame my parents!"

I chuckled politely, then I got on with my bird-watching and let Fancy get on with hers. It's not a hobby that needs very much chatter. Then, to my great excitement, I saw a long-necked, long-billed black bird — you'd have called it a cormorant, probably — diving off the rocks. What joy, to see this magnificent specimen actually fishing! I tapped my companion on the shoulder.

"Fancy! A shag!" I whispered.

...I must say I never thought to hear a young lady use such language in my life, and also I need to get some new binoculars.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “David, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

David replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A ninety-five-year-old man married a twenty-three-year-old girl prompting fears for his health from the wedding guests.

They were afraid that the wedding night might prove fatal because he was a frail old man and she was a vivacious young woman.

But the next morning everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairwell of the hotel very slowly, step by step, and painfully bow-legged. Eventually she managed to hobble to the front desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and asked the bride: "What happened to you? You look as if you’ve gone ten rounds with Evander Holyfield?"

"It’s my husband!" she gasped. "Oh, my God! When he told me that he’d been saving up for seventy-five years, I thought he meant his money!"

A farmer had three daughters, all young and very pretty. He guarded them with a shotgun.

Friday night came and he heard a knock at the door. The farmer answered with his gun. A young man in suit and tie stood there with flowers.

The farmer exclaimed, “What do you want boy?”

The young man replied, “Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?”

The farmer laughed and said, “You are a clever young man!”

Eddie replied, “We rhyme all the time!”

“Well come in, Betty will be ready to go soon.”

A second knock at the door. The farmer again answers with his gun. Another well dressed man stood there with flowers.

The farmer exclaimed, “Young man, what do you want?”

The young man sheepishly answered, “Hello, my name is Joe I'm here for Flo, I would like to take her to a show, may she go?”

The farmer laughed and said, “You are a clever young man.”

Joe said ”We rhyme all the time!”

“Come on in, Flo will be ready to go real soon!”

A third knock at the door. The farmer again answered with his gun. Another well dressed man stood there with flowers. The farmer exclaimed, “Young man what do you want?“

The young man said, “Hi, my name's Chuck...”

The farmer shot him.

A man goes to see the Pope. "Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'."

The Pope is aghast. "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"

The man says, "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!"

The Pope in unimpressed. "I already told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."

So the guy says, "Okay, final offer - $100 million. Take it or leave it."

The next day, the Pope calls all the leaders of the church together and says, "Gentlemen, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $100 million for Catholic Charities."

The room erupts in cheers!

The Pope waits for the room to settle down, and then says, "And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonderloaf account."

Sue went to the cemetery every day to water the flowers on the grave of her late husband, Bob.

When she was finished, she always walked backwards as she left the grave.

One day, her friend Tammy asked, “Sue, why on earth do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?”

Sue smiled and said, “When Bob was alive, he used to tell me, ‘You’ve got such a great ass, it could bring a dead man back to life!’...

“Well, I’m not taking any chances!”

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and speaks with an old rancher.

With a serious look, he tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher nods, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there", and he motions to the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly slaps it on the counter:

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do we understand each other? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his daily duties.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big and unfriendly Santa Gertrudis Bull...

With every stride the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is utterly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

A little old lady sees her doctor for a yearly check, and after thirty minutes with her GP he finally says, “We’ve talked about a lot; your blood pressure, cholesterol, sugar - any other medical issues we haven’t covered?”

She says, “Well, I wasn’t going to say anything, but since you asked, I am having terrible trouble with flatulence. It often happens at church and on bridge nights. Fortunately they are silent and odorless. In fact, I’ve been ripping them off every few minutes while I’ve been here.”

He nods knowingly and writes a prescription. “Take these twice a day as directed and come back next week.”

When he sees her the next week she is furious. “I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me but I’m not farting any less, and after three days my farts started to stink to high heaven! At least they are still silent so no one knows it was me, thank goodness!”

The doctor smiled and said, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared up, let’s work on your hearing loss.”

The teacher is going over geography terms with her students.

"Who can use the term 'isthmus' in a sentence?"

Susie raises her hand "an isthmus is a strip of land connecting two larger pieces of land."

"Very good, Susie. That is the textbook definition of isthmus. Can anyone give me a practical use of the term?"

Laurie raises her hand "The Isthmus of Panama connects North and South America."

"Excellent, Laurie! Anyone else with a practical example of the term?"

Little Johnny raises his hand. "We live next door to Laurie and my bedroom is right across from her big sister Cathy's room. Last night, Cathy forgot to close her shades when she was getting ready for bed . . . "

"Johnny! What can that story possibly have anything to do with the term isthmus?"

"Oh, well, when I saw Cathy butt naked, I said to myself 'isthmus be my lucky day!'"