I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day. When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket protector, etc. But something seemed off. He seemed really, really sad. I shrugged it off as he showed me to my table.

When I was seated my table a waitress in glasses brought me a menu to look at. She hardly said anything to me. She actually seemed even more depressed than the first guy!

After perusing the "main menu" I decide to have the fish and microchips. A waiter came back to take my order. He barely listened to me. He sobbed as he wrote down my order, then stormed away in tears. What was that all about?

Anyway, 25 minutes went by and no food arrived. Three quarters of an hour and no food. An HOUR went by and neither food nor a waiter in sight. Finally the manager walked past me and I grabbed his arm for answers.

"Hey, man! What the hell is going on? I've been waiting here an hour already! Where the hell is my food and why are all your staff so upset?!"

The manager replied, "I'm so very sorry, sir. All of our servers are down."

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery wall. One evening two boys collected a bucketful of nuts, sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts between them.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several nuts fell out and rolled out towards the wall.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He thought he knew what it was.

"Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the wall, still unable to see anything, but then they heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's about all."

"Let's go get those two nuts by the wall, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

Three rabbits escaped from a research lab. They squeezed through a gap in a fence and got into a field full of juicy carrots and had a great time having a good feed.

On the second day they burrowed a hole under a wall to reach a field full of does and they had a Fantastic time doing what rabbits do.

On the third day they got through a gap in a fence into a field full of big juicy cabbages and had a great day's feed in there.

On the fourth day they jumped over a small wall into a field full of lush green grass, so they spend the day sleeping off their pleasures of the last three days.

At the end of that day one rabbit said to the others, "Well guys, what we all doing tomorrow? Don't know about you guys but I'd like to go back to the field with the cabbages. I had a great time in there!"

Second rabbit replied, "I'd like to go back to the field with all those does in. Oh, I had a great time in there! What about you then?" the third rabbit was asked.

He said "I want to go back to the laboratory."

"But we've only just escaped from there!" spluttered his friends, "Why do you want to go back?"

"Well," he explained. "I've not had a cigarette for three days!"

My sister and her husband had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, his father palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.

Tommy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - "Do it again, Dad!"

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the Peter got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart, even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love Peter

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

A Chinese guy came into the pub and stood next to me.

"Do you know any martial arts, like karate or kung fu?" I asked him.

"Why you asking me that? Because I'm Chinese? You think all Chinese do kung fu?" he angrily replied.

"No", I said "because you're drinking my fxxxxxx beer."