Why I Fired My Secretary. . .

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom."

"Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -----

followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ----

on the couch ----

naked.

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again have you!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

You might be a Floridian if:

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the names Charley, Frances, Ivan, or Jeanne

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

Your parrot can now say "hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street

You're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading from a 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You just learned how to "grill" canned ravioli

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator doesn't get electric

And finally you might be a Floridian if you ask your relatives up north to start saving the Sunday real estate classifieds

The teacher said to young Johnny, "If there were three birds sitting on a wall, and the farmer shot one of them, how many would be left?"

"Well," said Johnny, "there would be none left because the sound of the farmer's gun would have frightened the others away."

"That's not the answer I was looking for, as we're doing subtraction today," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking!"

"I have a question for you Miss," said Johnny, the next day.

"If three women were walking down the road, one licking an ice lolly, one sucking an ice lolly and one biting an ice lolly, which of the three was the married woman?"

"I think it would be the one sucking the ice lolly" said the teacher.

"You would be wrong Miss" said Johnny. "It's the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60 a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70 a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70 she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of Spain to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.

The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a biker's mustache and I'm so very coldd-d-d!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to getting here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.

About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that biker's mustache!

LIFE

On the first day, God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey.God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow.God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man.God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves;for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.