Into a pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm was in a sling, his nose broken, his face cut and bruised and he was walking with a limp.

What happened to you? asked Sean, the bartender.

Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight. said Paddy.

That little O'Connor? said Sean He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand.

That he did, replied Paddy, A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.

Well, said Sean, You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?

That I did, said Paddy. Mrs O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it is, but useless in a fight.

Three mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who's the hardest...

Aberdeen mouse says: "I go up tae mousetraps, rip the cheese oot, and as the bar comes doon, I benchpress it 30 times, then throw it across the room!"

Edinburgh mouse says: "I get rat poison, crush it intae powder & snort it!"

Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door.

"Where u goin'?" asked the other two.

"Hame tae sh@g the cat."

An old club member went to a wizard to ask him if he could remove a curse he had been hexed by for the last 40 years.

The Wizard said, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The biker recited without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you man and wife..."

I was at the supermarket yesterday, buying a box of Pedigree biscuits for my dogs, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Being a sarky sod, I told her NO, I don't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. But, on the plus side, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. All you do is load your pockets with the small bite biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff a another dogs arse and a car hit me.

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

"A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"

What is Democracy? A boy was asked at school as his homework.

So the little boy went to his dad and asked, "What is democracy?"

Dad replied, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the worker class. We're here to spend that money to take care of you, the people. And your baby brother in bed, the future."

So the little boy went off to bed and later heard his baby brother crying, he got up to check on him and found that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeped in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up and went back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy went to school. When teacher asked if anyone had the answer to the homework, he raised his hand.

"Democracy is, while Capitalists are screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep trouble."

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her?"

"Because she can still drive!"