My sister and her husband had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, his father palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.

Tommy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - "Do it again, Dad!"

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the Peter got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart, even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love Peter

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

A Chinese guy came into the pub and stood next to me.

"Do you know any martial arts, like karate or kung fu?" I asked him.

"Why you asking me that? Because I'm Chinese? You think all Chinese do kung fu?" he angrily replied.

"No", I said "because you're drinking my fxxxxxx beer."

I'm selling my pet python on eBay. Some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?"

"It's massive", I said.

"How many feet?" he asked.

I said "None, it's a snake."

I bought my wife a 24ct gold necklace the other day, but when she put it on her skin started going a funny blue colour, so I suspected it was fake.

Turns out it was a bracelet.

The farmer's teenage son was tasked with leading their cow over to the neighbouring farm to be 'freshened' by their bull.

When he got there the teenage daughter was the only one at home. They put the bull and the cow in a field together and leaned on the fence to wait for nature to take its course.

The boy said, "That bull really seems to know what to do, doesn't he?"

The girl answered, "Yep."

Awhile later the boy said, "That cow doesn't seem to mind, does she?"

The girl answered, "Nope."

The boy said, "They both seem to be enjoying themselves, don't they?"

The girl answered, "Yep."

He turned to the girl, looked her in the eye and said, "I really wouldn't mind doing what that bull is doing. What do you think?"

The girl answered, "Go right ahead, it's your cow."