A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."

This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...

"Is Michael Jackson God?"

A man was sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".

"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window.

The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!"

To which the old woman replied,

"And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige." says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

If I could, I'd enlist today.

But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 26,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys get up early every morning to pee - a couple of times.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food.

We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

And the running part is a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.

He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.

He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to war.

Let us old guys enlist. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

Bill says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

John (who has a bald head and a wooden leg) is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear John,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

John thinks this is terrible because all they have done is to really emphasized his wooden leg. He writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

Dear John,

Sorry about the Pirate's outfit, but please find enclosed a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

But now, John is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg, to emphasizing his bald head. He writes to the company a really rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear John,

Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup treacle. Pour the tin of golden syrup treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in place, "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed!! Everything had been so incredible!!!!

You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replied........."

Wait for it... (scroll down)

It's coming...

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

"........ you just happened to catch my eye."

(Oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them.)