Koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

"Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Bloody hell... How much water did you drink!?"

God said, "Go down into that valley"

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez..."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam went down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and found the woman.

In about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said...

"What's a Headache?"

They have a system for snow clearing in Canada. The radio announced that there would be six inches of snow over-night, and asked residents to park their cars on the even numbered side of the street so the snow-ploughs would have a clear run.

The guy's wife went straight out and parked as instructed.

Next evening the radio forecast there would be a further nine inches of snow and advised people to park on the odd side of the highway so their snow-ploughs could get through.

Again the wife went out immediately to park as requested.

On the third evening the radio announced an expected snowfall of twelve to fifteen inches ... and then there was a power cut and the radio went dead.

The confused wife was left wondering where to park and asked her husband for advice.

He replied "Why don't you just leave it in the garage tonight?"

Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven where they were welcomed by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter said "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun said, "I want to be Sophia Loren." and POOF she's gone.

The second said, "I want to be Madonna." and POOF she's gone.

The third said, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini."

St. Peter looked perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini" replied the nun.

St. Peter shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter. He read the paper and started laughing.

"No Sister, he laughed, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

The mother-in-law arrived home from the shops to find her son-in-law in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

What's up, me Duck?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent a text to my wife telling her I was coming home early today from my motorcycle rally. I arrived home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife, naked with Frankie McNaughton in our marital bed!

"This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your text."

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed too. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "D'ye noo think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

A young man was waiting in line at a post office when he noticed an older man in the corner of the office, licking stamps that say Love on them and putting them on bright pink envelopes.

The man then took a bottle of perfume from his jacket pocket and sprayed the envelopes.

Curiosity got the better of the young man, so he walked over and asked the older man what he was doing.

"I'm sending out five hundred Valentine's cards with the phrase 'Guess Who?' written inside."

"Why?" the young man asked.

The man smiled and said,

"Because I'm a divorce lawyer."