The Foz Spot is now an institution. They said we would all end up in one and here it is!
A visitor to a Mental Institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be admitted. The director says "We fill a bath with water, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath."
"Oh, I see," says the visitor. "A normal person would pick the bucket, because its the biggest."
The Director replied "No. A normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed by the window?"
There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own.
But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it." Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand.
About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.
The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla! This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said ...
"Tag! You're it!"
A tour bus driver was driving with a bus load of OAPs when he was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offered him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munched.
After about 15 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again and handed him another handful of peanuts.
When she was about to hand him another batch again he asked her: "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied ...
"We just love the chocolate around them."
"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, dear?"
"Pussy and bitch."
Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Mittens. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning."
Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this ..." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either ... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok, Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have some of that Weetabix sh*t !
*SMACK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Weetabix."
A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob" where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags my dear, they're your tits."
She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee beard then..."
A new royal mail stamp with a clitoris on it has been withdrawn from sale as it proved unpopular.
In testing, only 5% of men knew how to lick it properly!
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... 'Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.' "
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... 'Double Income, No Kids Yet.' "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... 'Rich, Urban, Biker.' "
The fourth guy says, "I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... 'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.' "
They turn to the woman and ask her. "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.' "
Dave worked hard at the plant and spent one night each week at the Leicester Phoenix MCC and Sundays on club runs. His wife thought he was pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she took him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greeted them and said, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife was puzzled and asked if he'd been to this club before.
"Oh no," said Dave. "He's a bike club member."
When they were seated a waitress asked Dave if he'd like his usual and brought over a pint of beer. His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, "How did she know that you drink bitter?"
"I recognize her, she's a barmaid at the bike club. I always have a pint of bitter, honey".
A stripper then comes over to their table, threw her arms around Dave, started to rub herself all over him and said, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. Dave followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her. Dave tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turned around and said, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide with borders now unpatrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like the USA. Ruled by a dick.
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself "Wow, she's so gorgeous, she must be a flight attendant, but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan "Love to fly and it shows?".
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something Special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk".
This time the woman turned on him "What the f*ck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back into his chair and said "Ahhhhhh, Ryanair!"
A club member went to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checked him over and said, "Sorry, I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudged home to his wife and broke the news. Distraught, she asked him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he'd never been there with her before. They arrived at the bingo and with his first card he got four corners and won £35. Then, with the same card, he got a line and won £320. Then he got the full house and won £1000. The national grid came up and he won that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller got him up on stage and said, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Damn me," said the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!"
An Australian guy was travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walked into a bar and, by chance, was served by an Australian barmaid. As she took his order, a Fosters, she noticed his accent.
Over the course of the evening they got chatting. At the end of her shift he asked if she wanted to come back to his place. Although she was attracted to him she said no. He then offered to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she was travelling around the world and was short of funds, she agreed.
The next night the guy turned up again. Again he ordered Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asked if she would sleep with him again for $200. She remembered the night before and was only too happy to agree.
This went on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy came in again, ordered Fosters but went and sat in the corner. The barmaid thought that if she paid him more attention then, maybe she could shake some more cash out of him. So she went over and sat next to him.
She asked him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he told her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquired. "Glen Iris" he replied.
"That's amazing..." she said excitedly, "...so am I - what street?"
"Cameo Street" he replied.
"This is unbelievable........." she said, her voice quavering. "What number?"
"Number 20", he replied.
She was totally astonished.
"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screamed, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he said, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you."
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
A very loud, unattractive, rough-faced woman walked into ALDI with her two offspring in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter said, "Good morning and welcome to ALDI - nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The fat, ugly woman stopped screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bl***y aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the 'ell would you think they're twins? ... Do you really think they look alike, ya knob-ed?"
"Absolutely not," replied the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would have f**ked you twice".
A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There was a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note fell through onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her... "Ma'am, there are £10 notes falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" said the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughed the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", replied the little old lady, "not all of them pay up ..."
A young BLONDE woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
While travelling thru the Appalachians, a circus lost one of its elephants.
The elephant wound up grazing in a hillbilly barnyard and the owner spied him.
Not recognizing the type of beast it was the backwoodsman phoned the Sheriff.
The Sheriff asked the man what the animal looked like to which he replied, "Well, he's big and grey and has a tail on both ends."
The Sheriff then asked what the animal was doing. The backwoodsman replied, "He's standing in my garden pulling cornstalks up with his tail."
The Sheriff then asked "What's he doing with the cornstalks?"
The backwoodsman said, "Sheriff, if I told you ,you wouldn't believe me!"
An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
We've had all the virus hoaxes but this is serious - if you believed the rest then you will need to beware of this one.
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it .
Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows Vista environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you - you're on the bloody computer!!!!
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."
An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument you like".
The Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays like Jimmy Hendrix.
The Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.
The Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes... The octopus fumbles about for a few minutes and the Scotsman says "What's wrong - can ye no play it?".
The octopus says "Play it? - I'm gonna f*ck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!".
A man says to his GP "Doctor I've got this embarrassing problem. Every time I blow off, it sounds like "Honda!"
The doctor strokes his chin and asks the patient to demonstrate.
"Honda!" goes his bum. "Honda! Honda! Hooooooooooonda!"
The doctor asks: "Have you been drinking absinthe recently?"
Yes replies the man. "I had some at a party the other night."
"Well that explains things", says the doctor. "It's a well known fact that absinthe makes the fart go Honda!"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to hail a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he eventually reached his old 'friend' at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Okay," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
Not able to handle being alone, she decided to kill herself and join him in death. She started to think about quick and easy ways, and remembered about her husband's old Army pistol. With that thought, she decided to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden on one of her children, she called her doctor and inquire as to just exactly where the heart could be found on a woman.
Her doctor advised her that it could be found just below her left breast.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her knee.
A guy walked into a motorcycle dealers. He browsed around, spotted a top-of-the-line sports bike and walked over to inspect it. As he bent over to check the details, he inadvertently broke wind.
Very embarrassed, he looked around nervously to see if anyone had noticed and prayed that a sales person wouldn't pop up.
As he turned around, his worst nightmare materialised in the form of a salesman standing right behind him.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greeted the guy, "Good day, Sir. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of his little 'accident', he asks, "What is the top speed of this bike ?"
He answers, "Sir, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you ride it."
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub for a club reunion, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the charity raffle. They bought five £1 tickets each. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met again few week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper."
Three motorcyclists were on their way home after a rally. On the way, they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. The Norton rider said, "I'm going to get some of this."
He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and the Triumph rider said yes and he started screwing it.
After he got done, he asked the BSA rider if he wanted some. The man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.
A man was on trial for selling drugs and a neighbour was called as a witness.
The defence attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
An ancient past club member walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing? "
Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she determined to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband was off at work she decided to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and could smell paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He went over and asked her if she is OK. She replied yes so he asked what she was doing and she said that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb by painting the house. He then asked her why she had a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said ...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
Old Sean lived alone in Ireland.
He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling a bit down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them f****n' BODIES!
Your loving son, Mick
At 4am the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local Police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.
A few days later the old man received another letter from his son:
Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy...
even these silly little cute.....
and clean jokes
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village. On seeing a local sitting on his porch, patting his dog, the tourist decides to have some fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day. Mind if I talk to your dog?"
Kiwi: "Dogs don't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist (unperturbed): "Hello dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right, thanks." (Kiwi adopts shocked expression).
Ventriloquist (pointing at the Kiwi): "Is this man your owner?"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. Walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." (Kiwi adopts look of utter disbelief).
Ventriloquist (to Kiwi): "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse don't talk either ... probably."
Ventriloquist (to horse): "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool, mate!" (Kiwi is absolutely dumbfounded).
Ventriloquist (pointing at the Kiwi): "Is this your owner?"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks. Rides me regularly, brushes me often, and puts me in the barn whenever the weather turns nasty."
Ventriloquist (to Kiwi): "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi (instantly): "The sheep's a liar!"
Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state.
"POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water"
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year Old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the Hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending this delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you do it?" The old man grinned and said, "You Gotta keep the old motor running." A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth and after the delivery she approached the old gentleman, smiling, and said, "Well, you surely are somet hing else. How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, said to the old gentleman, "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club.
He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why.
He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that."
Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
SING IT GIRLS!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t,
just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed!
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
A certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Several memos were posted about this, without effect.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.
Under careful instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest lavatory bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.
There was complete silence in the room.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers .... and then ......there are Educators.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from dat skippin'
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses.
Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?".
He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.
"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
BSA Riders - Take One:
Two BSA riders were talking at the pub. One said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second replied, "Well, I was walking along, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the Belstaffs probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
BSA Riders - Take Two
To the optimist, the oil tank is half full.
To the pessimist, the oil tank is half empty.
To the BSA rider, the oil tank is twice as big as it needs to be.
BSA Riders - Take Three
A Norton rider, a Triumph rider, and a BSA owner were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The BSA rider fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Triumph rider chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The Norton owner said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Norton rider said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a prayer for them tonight."
The Triumph owner said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The BSA rider said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take One
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Jimmy wanted to shag a girl in his office but she was already in a long term relationship with another bloke.
Eventually Jimmy got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
"I'll give you a £50 if you let me shag you" but the girl said "NO!"
Jimmy said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and told him that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says "Ask him for £500 and pick up the money really quickly. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough so she took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3 ?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets!"
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'UCK' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire Truck".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher......
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!!!
Thanks for all the jokes from Adam Fosberry, Eric Tindall, MaLu, Rob Winnett, Graham Mills and others.