A tough year so we needed cheering up. Here is your well-deserved chance to smile again.
I have been unceremoniously expelled from my town's Amateur Theatre Club where we were rehearsing Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and I was playing Mercutio.
I was totally focused and had the script in my hand which said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."
Betty, who was playing Juliet, screamed and fought me off. Clearly, she was not reading the script.
Now I am out of the Club. So unfair.
After 10 years, the wife of one of our past members started to think their kid looked kinda strange, so she decided to do a DNA test.
She found out that the kid was actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Husband: "Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital you noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: 'Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.' So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there."
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
A past club member took his son out for his first pint.
Off they went to our local pub only two blocks away.
He bought his son a pint of draught bitter but the lad didn't like it, so his father drank it.
Then he got him a cold glass of cider but he didn't like that either, so father drank it.
Dad thought he might like some lager. He didn't. Dad drank it.
Then he thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so he tried a malt on the rocks. Nope!
In desperation, dad had him try that brandy. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could dad do but drink it?
By the time dad realized his lad just didn't like to drink, he was so shit-faced he could hardly push his pram back home!
A car full of nuns were sitting at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy bikers pulled up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins." shouted one of the riders.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turned to Sister Mary Immaculata and said, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolled down her window and shouted, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."
She then rolled up her window, looked back at Mother Superior quite innocently and asked, "Did that sound cross enough?"
A BSA Owner phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" he said, "Send an ambulance, my wife is going to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speaking."
An old Italian man in Brooklyn was dying. He called his grandson to his bedside.
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe fina you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say, 'Times up!'?"
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform I decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
A guy has been shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race related.
Due to a water shortage Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
I got a letter from Screwfix thanking me for my interest, but explaining they are not a dating agency.
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
A BSA owner was doing some roofing work for for a local builder. As he neared the top of the ladder he started shaking and going dizzy. He called down to the coddy and said "I think I will have to go home, I've come over all giddy and feel sick."
The coddy asked "Have you got vertigo?"
Our pal replied "No, I only live round the corner."
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light.
"No ma'am", said the Gardener.
After an examination, the doctor said to the old Phoenix member: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do." said our pal. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"
"Oh, that crazy old coot," she replied. "that's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying job of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work for the government and paying them outrageous salaries to occupy its highest and most influential positions.
The practice continues unbroken to this day.
An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
Lieutenant said it was 50-50%
A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Ever notice how a 4-year-old is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
As I came into my bedroom about 2am, I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm.
I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day I talked to the children and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my youngest saw me, and ran shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
She shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at her, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who her Mom was.
An acquaintance who is a physician told this story about her 4-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument...
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."
A policeman spotted a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radioed for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat darkie is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."
"You can't say that over the radio," replied the operator, "you have to use politically correct terminology."
"OK", he says:
"Zulu - Tango - Sierra"
I was standing at the bar at the Club one night, minding my own business.
This non attractive lady came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me six stitches ...
... but when you're seventy, who cares?
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're seventy ...who cares?
I was in a bar the other night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me six more stitches, but ...
when you're seventy ...
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no....
"I was paroled."
Just like you can get insurance for Cars, Property, Sports etc, you now can now get insurance for Sex!
So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
Sex with your wife
Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone
Sex with your Partner
Sex with someone different
Sex with a lady of generous proportions
Sex On the back seat of a car
Sex with a prostitute
Sex with your maid
Sex with an OAP
Sex resulting in pregnancy
Sex with a transvestite
Make sure you are adequately covered!
Reporter: "Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?"
Old Biker: "For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps."
Reporter: "When do you drink water?"
Old Biker: "I've never been that sick."
The proper way to call someone a b******:
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five pounds a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his winnings.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them!"
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me!" he replied.
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 2004 1.8 Zetec" rather than "I've just buggered a 15 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mother.
One time I got sick and landed in the hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronising tone of voice, "and how are we doing this morning?"
or... "are we ready for a bath?"
or... "are we hungry?"
I had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, "My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today."
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
The nurse fainted...
Don't mess with us old people.
A friend of mine has two tickets for the Czech Republic MotoGP this weekend. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation.
He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Johns Church, Leicester at 2.15pm. Her name is Jennifer. She will be the one in the white dress.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter - 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all.
So they decided one had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was always used to making sacrifices, with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train.
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life.
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer!
A London solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.
The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The solicitor looked down in horror. "Bloody Hell!" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex?"
I dreamed the ocean was filled with orange soda.
It was a Fanta Sea.
"What's driving Brexit?
From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh"
- Milton Jones
Edinburgh Fringe 2019
A gynaecologist lost his job and, due to the declining birth rate, had to retrain as a motorcycle mechanic. He did well in the training and sat his final practical exam, where he had to diagnose and fix a broken bike.
The examiner watched him closely and, when he finished, loudly applauded and said "Congratulations. I'm giving you a 150% grade."
"Thanks, but how did I get 150%?"
"I gave you the maximum amount of 50% for quickly working out the valves needed reseating and 50% for expertly repairing the problem...
"Then I added another 50% because, in 30 years of doing this job, I've never seen anyone fix a motorcycle engine by going in through the exhaust pipe."
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the nearby area. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear and making it obvious what she wanted. He was not holding back either and had his hands moving all round and over her body.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
Arthur: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now.
Arthur: For example, do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is?
Arthur: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876;
If you took night classes you'd know this.
The next day:
Arthur: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Arthur: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers".
If you took night classes, you'd know this.
The next day, once again:
Arthur: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is?
Arthur: He's the author of "The Confessions".
If you took night classes, you'd know this.
This time, George got irritated and said: Arthur, do you know who Fred Reilly is?
George: He's the fellow who's bonking your wife!
If you stopped going to night classes, you'd know this!
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the front.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the front. He said, "I'm Frank."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
After travelling to the US on business, Jock thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
"That's a bit much," says Jock, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.
"That's still quite a bit." Jock complains. Growing annoyed, the clerk brings out a tiny fifteen-dollar bottle.
"What I mean" said Jock, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
"Have you been sleeping with an open window, like I told you?" a doctor asked his patient.
"Yes, just like you said, doc."
"And is the bronchitis gone now?"
"Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone."
Was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks. Noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!"
So, I immediately apologised and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's all I remember.
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!"
A young man lived permanently at a nudist colony.
He received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a more up-to-date photo of himself. As it was a nudist colony no cameras or smartphones etc were allowed. Unfortunately, he only had one picture, but it was of him in the nude, so he cut the photo in half and sent her the top half.
Some time later, mum wrote again asking him if he would send a photo of himself to his ageing grandmother.
Now he only had the bottom half left but because she had such poor eyesight, he took a chance that she would be none the wiser.
Some time later, he got a letter back from his grandmother written in large letters and in it she said,
"Thanks for the picture. Maybe you should change your hairstyle a bit, though, it makes your nose so small and droopy and your mouth a bit odd ball"
Three blokes met up to play golf on Sunday morning.
Whilst getting changed they compared notes on how they managed to get their wives to let them go.
The first said he'd brought his wife breakfast in bed, taken the dog for an early morning walk and washed the car. "She was so pleased, she was delighted to let me go," he said.
The second man recounted how he'd prepared everything for Sunday lunch and cleared up the kitchen from a dinner party the night before. "She reckoned I'd earned a round of golf," he said.
The third man looked at his mates and said "I woke up, belched twice, scratched my b*lls and let rip with a real stinker. Then I said to her,
"OK then, intercourse or golf course? She couldn't wait to see me go."
The guys were at a motorcycle rally. No one wanted to share a tent with Pete, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Pete and appeared next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Pete snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Pete shakes the tent with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Ben's turn. Ben was a tanned, older (a lot older) biker. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "I tucked Pete into his bag, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Pete sat up and watched me all night."
A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says, "No butter for two weeks!"
The little boy kills a honeybee.
Dad says, "No honey for you for two weeks!"
Mom kill a cockroach.
The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should I?"
Santa: "And what do you want for Christmas?"
Smartass Kid: "A Porsche 911."
Santa: "Be reasonable. What do you really want?"
Smartass Kid: "BREXIT COMPLETED!"
Santa: "What colour Porsche?"
Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate?
He doesn't get on with China.
Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit.
Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
Why doesn't Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa?
Because he struggles in the poles.
Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas?
Because she's a swede dish campaigner.
What's the difference between Rudolph's nose and David Cameron's autobiography?
Only one will be red at Christmas.
What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time?
One day my prints will come
Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him
Why did nobody bid for Rudolf and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
Merry Christmas to ewe
Thanks for all the jokes from Ian Bower, Jean-Francois Helias, Ken Wells, Nick Reeves, Simon Over and others.