Thankfully we could find something to laugh at, even in 2020!
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Father O'Malley answered the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate £1000 to your church?"
The Pope was handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool.
Billy walked on the stage and asked him, "Can you help me with my hearing?"
The Pope said "Yes!" and put his hands on Billy's ears and prayed then whispered "How is your hearing now?"
Billy whispered back, "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday."
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket."
The man said "When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on."
His wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, "Your horse phoned!"
A devout LPMCC member (aren't we all?) lived alone with only his motorcycle for company. Eventually the bike fell to pieces and couldn't be fixed so he went to his parish priest and asked, "Father, my beloved bike is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor thing?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for a vehicle in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for your motorcycle."
Our pal said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me your bike was Catholic?"
The deceased LPMCC member inevitably ended up in Hell where he was offered a position standing on his head on concrete for a thousand years.
"Have you anything that doesn't take as long?" he enquired hopefully.
"We have a five hundred years position standing on your head on gravel." offered a demon, showing him a room full of inverted sufferers.
"Anything shorter?" persisted our pal.
"How about two hundred years standing on your head on broken glass?" suggested the helpful demon, opening a door to a room with screaming acro-bats.
"Oh no. Not as long as that!" insisted our pal.
The next room they came to was waist deep in excrement and full of sinners standing round drinking tea.
"This is for a hundred years." said the demon.
"I can do that." agreed our pal, eagerly taking his cup of tea and plunging in.
Before he could take his first sip the demon bellowed "OK lads. Tea break is over ...
"... Back on your heads!"
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!"
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well. that's because we aren't married yet."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mum?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful." said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry "are you giving up?"
Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
The following is an actual question given to a University of Arizona Chemistry class mid-term and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student however, wrote the following:
First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct, .... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
Mick ordered a Chinese meal and when the bloke delivered it Mick stepped forward to take it from him.
The delivery guy stepped back shouting "Isolate Isolate"
Mick said "No you're not. I only rang you 15 minutes ago!"
Q: How did you meet your husband?
A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.
... and only after we were married I realised that he stutters.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I have to make sure the horse is healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom ..."
A woman was having a passionate affair. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths" the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars.
What does that tell you?
Watson pondered for a minute.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And what does it tell you?
Holmes was silent for a minute as he looked around, then spoke.
It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.
Uncle Ted gave Little Jimmy half a crown and asked him what he would spend it on.
Little Jimmy replied that he was saving up to visit a prostitute.
Shocked, Uncle Ted asked why he wanted to do that.
"So I can catch venereal disease" said Little Jimmy.
"Whatever for?" gasped Uncle Ted.
"So I can give it the au pair...
she will give it my dad...
he will give it to mum ...
she'll give it to the postman.
"He's the bastard I'm after 'cos he trod on my snail!"
Two old club members decided that they were close to their last days and they would have a last night on the town.
After a few pints they ended up in the local brothel.
The madam took one look at the two old geezers and whispered to her manager
Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.
The manager did as he was told and the two old men went up stairs to take care of their business.
As they were walking home the first said
You know, I think my girl was dead!
Dead? said his friend,
Why do you say that?
Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.
His friend replied
Could be worse. I think mine was a witch.
A witch? Why the hell would you say that?
Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out of the window...
took my teeth with her!
Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Donald Trump was paying a campaign visit to a primary school grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So the illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be a great loss; and you can be sure it wouldn't be an accident either!"
Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Well, you have done the right thing.
But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.
Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lock down?
Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the idea.
Anaesthetists thought the whole concept was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes!
A woman went to the doctors practice, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the corridor to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
Does she still have the hiccups?
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in heat the officer said.
The blonde replied,
No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shady tree.
The policeman said,
No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
No way, said the blonde.
My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.
The exasperated policeman said,
NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!
The blonde looked at the cop and said,
Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
This is Amanda.
His dad jumps up and shouts,
It's a fucking what?
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay for a beer?
Man: $5, which includes a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three per day. That adds up to $450 per month. In one year it would be approximately $5400, correct?
Woman: If, in one year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000. Correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink all that beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an aeroplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Then where's your fucking aeroplane?
For a laugh during the lockdown, my wife thought it would be fun for each of us to come up with a fantasy list of three people that, in the unlikely event we ever got the chance, we were allowed to shag.
She showed me hers first: George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp.
Then I showed her mine: Her sister, our neighbour's daughter and that fit bird at the Tesco check out.
The doctors say I should be able to walk again in a month or two.
A rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her holiday sunbathing on the roof of the hotel because being locked down in her flat she didn't really get much fresh air/sun for months. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her bum.
Excuse me, miss, said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
What difference does it make, the young lady asked rather calmly.
No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.
Not exactly, said the embarrassed little man.
You're lying on the dining room skylight.
A man appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St Peter asked.
Well I can think of one thing, the man offered.
Once on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled 'Now, back off! Or I'll kick the shit out of you!'
St Peter was impressed,
When did this happen?
The man replied,
Oh, just a couple of minutes ago.
Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?
In a recent quiz a past LPMCC member was the clear winner with a standing ovation.
The final question was: "How do you explain the difference between complete and finished in a way that is easy to understand?"
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
"When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
"And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished."
A parrot's in a cage by a window, and a woman walks past, and the parrot says: "You're a fat cow."
She is outraged and complains to the parrot's owner.
He chastises the parrot saying: "Behave or I'll sellotape your beak up."
The parrot is silenced.
Two hours later the same woman passes the window and the parrot says: "You know what I'm thinking."
As a band of possums had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the possums were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist Chapel, the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many possums showed up the following week.
The Society of Friends decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
The Methodists tried a much more unique method of setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the possums with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunken possums can do.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a single possum since.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised seven guys, then he dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F**K ME!"
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.
The priest tells the sinner,
You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Marys.
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.
This time the priest asks,
Who is Fannie Green?
A new woman in the neighbourhood, the sinner replies.
Very well, says the priest.
Go and say 10 Hail Mary's.
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks,
Is that Fannie Green?
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.
A newly married man asked his wife,
Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?
Honey, the woman replied sweetly,
I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!
A man boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself.
Did you hear about the blind guy who commuted on the Underground every day.
To pass the time he taught his guide dog to play the flute.
They went from Barking to Tooting in no time.
President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo when an intended assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new to the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!"
This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replied "I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'"
The young woman told the doctor "I have green marks on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor had a look and said, "Is your boyfriend a biker?"
She said "Yes, why?"
He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
A woman, about to undergo a Tax/earnings audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire and claim it on expenses".
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy négligée, with a V neck right down to your navel'".
The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, you still get screwed and the results will be the same."
A priest had a heart attack, and was rushed to the hospital. He woke up as he was being pushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asked the disoriented priest.
"No" replied one of the nurses...
"We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to hospital after a motorbike accident but he had a rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally. The call went out for help. Finally a Scotsman, Wullie MacCallum was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for Sheik Abdul. After successful surgery, Abdul sent Wullie, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Harley Davidson, diamonds and 100,000 dollars.
A few months later Sheik Abdul had to go through further corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, Abdul Amunkir sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. Wullie MacCallum was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned Abdul and asked him,
I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a motorcycle, diamonds and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.
To this the Arab replied,
Aye Wullie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.
I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.
But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Husband is recovering from a head injury.
Morris, an 82 year-old past member, went to the doctor to get a physical check-up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris motorcycling down the street with a gorgeous young woman on pillion.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
You're really doing great, aren't you?
Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
The doctor said,
I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.
A motorcyclist woke up in hospital after an accident. He felt a little strange down below and looked under the sheets. To his horror he discovered his penis was missing!
He let out a cry and at that moment the Doctor entered the room.
Ah Mr Brown, It was damaged beyond help and we had no option to remove it. But, by chance you are in the only hospital in the world capable of penile transplants and I can offer you one of 3 options. Unfortunately as this doesn't come under the NHS we have to charge you. We have a Japanese penis for £2000, an English penis for £3000 or a Jamaican penis for £5000.
The patient is a level headed chap so replied
With any financial decisions I will have to consult my wife. Pass me the telephone.
After a few minutes of serious discussion the patient hung up the phone and looked sadly at the Doctor.
The Doctor unable to contain himself any longer asked the patient
Well, what will it be?
The patient hung his head in shame as he answered
A new kitchen!
An Indian was meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and her father for the first time.
Her father was a heart surgeon.
At one point in the evening, the father pulled the man aside and said,
There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her father and you need to know that she has acute angina.
To which the future husband replied,
Oh goodness gracious and thanks to the gods, because her face is pretty ugly.
One day, Bob was at Twycross Zoo watching the animals. He noticed a gorilla staring at him, and mimicking his movements.
So Bob decided to have a little fun, and started to dance a little jig, and sure enough the big ape started dancing. Then Bob started to scratch his chin.
Suddenly the gorilla went nuts. He pulled apart the bars of his cage, jumped the moat and proceeded to beat the crap out of Bob.
A few days later, Bob woke up from his coma and found himself in a body cast in hospital. Soon after his awaking, a zookeeper came in and asked Bob exactly what had happened.
"Well, I was scratching my chin..."
"Wait, you were scratching your chin?"
"Well, that explains things- you see, scratching your chin means 'go screw yourself' in Gorilla."
Now if you've ever been in a cast, you know how miserable it is. Imagine being in a full body cast, stuck eating horrible hospital food for six whole months!
As you can imagine, all Bob could think about was his revenge on that gorilla. So when he was finally well enough to get out of hospital, he knew exactly what he was going to do.
His first stop was at a butchers, where he bought a massive salami and two butcher knives.
He then went to the zoo, and went straight to the gorilla cage, where his old friend was sitting, picking his nose.
Bob reached into his bag, and pulled out the knives. He tossed one into the cage. The ape picked up the shiny object, and held it up in the air, just like Bob was.
With his other hand, Bob undid his fly and pulled out the salami, and held it in his hand in front of his pants. The ape then reached down, and held his penis just like he saw Bob do.
Then with one swift movement, Bob sliced the salami right in half. Do you know what the ape did?
He scratched his chin.
A policeman returned home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he entered the dark bedroom and stripped out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He reached for the light switch but figured his wife is laying in bed and decided not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his wife spoke:
"Honey, can you run down to the corner shop and buy bread, so I can make breakfast for the kids tomorrow?"
"Fine, but you should have mentioned earlier" said the husband while putting the uniform on again.
He ran down to the shop, got the bread and exchanged small talk with the guy at the counter.
"New job?" asked the cashier.
"Nah, why do you ask?"
"I could have sworn you were a policeman, but that's definitely a fireman uniform."
The Legend of why the Christmas Fairy sits on top of the tree.
Story goes that Santa came into his house at midday, after a horrid morning at the toy factory.
The elves had done nothing right in making the toys, the reindeer all had upset tummies and were unfit to fly, he was a bit upset.
Santa walked into the kitchen and Mrs Claus had not cooked his lunch yet, and he was very hungry and cold.
Just as he sat down at the dinning room table, the Little Fairy burst into the room shouting at Santa, "What should I do with this silly tree Santa?"
And that, folk, is why the Christmas Fairy sits on top of the tree.
Thanks for all the jokes from Adam Fosberry, Jean-Francois Helias, Simon Over, Nick Reeves, Ray Barton, Ian Bower and others.