Foz Annual

The plumber said, "Why haven't you paid the bill for the work I did last Friday".

Paddy replied, "Well, it was not what you quoted."

The plumber said, "I didn't give you a quote."

Paddy replied, "Yes you did! When I asked what day you could come, you said you were free on Friday!"

Paddy was struggling down the road with a wardrobe.

A friend asked, "Hey paddy, why don't ya get Mick to help?"

Paddy replied, "He's inside, carrying the clothes."

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?"

I replied, "No..."

She responded,
"How about now?"

An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed, dying. With a very weak voice, he asked, "Is my Wife here?"

"Yes, I am here."

"Are my children here?"

"Yes, your children are all here."

"Are my grandchildren here?"

"Yes grandad, we are all here."

"Then why is the light in the kitchen still on?"

A school teacher said to the class, "Who was Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Paddy put his hand up and said, "Trudy Glen."

The teacher said, "No, it was Maid Marion. Who told you it was Trudy Glen?"

Paddy said, "It's in the song. Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

A judge asked the defendant to please stand.

"You are found guilty of murdering a refuse collector with a Stillson pipe wrench."

From the back of the courtroom, a biker shouted, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turned to the defendant again and said, "You are also found guilty of killing a paperboy with a club hammer."

"You tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge.

"You are also found guilty of killing a postman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the biker started to shout.

The judge thundered back, "I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asked has his wife to insert the suppository. She agreed reluctantly, then put one hand on his shoulder and inserted the suppository.

Suddenly, her husband shrieked, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asked.

"No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

A BSA owner wanted to sell his motorcycle so his mate told him to wind the mileage back a bit and he would get a better price for it.

He saw him a few days later and asked how he'd got on.

His pal said when he finished winding it back it only had 7000 on the clock so he decided to keep it!

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defence attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim in Texas.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

A rich woman tourist went to Paris to visit the art galleries. She decided to hire the services of a guide to show her around the Louvre.

"Oh!" said the woman looking at a painting, "That's a Monet, isn't it?"

"No Madame, almost, it's a Manet." replied the guide.

"And that one, it's a Pissaro?"

"Er... no, I'm sorry, Madame, that's a Monet."

"Oh, I see. Now that one I’m sure of - that's a Picasso, isn't it?"

"No Madame, that's a mirror."

Pat was at the airport with a sack over each shoulder and when he was stopped at customs they found that both sacks were full of mobile phones.

When asked why Pat said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Mick and he told me that he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones."

John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asked.

"Not really," said Mary.

"Well, how about a new Mercedes sports car?" said John.

"No," she responded.

"What about a new holiday home in the country?" he suggested.

She again rejected his offer with a, "No thanks."

Frustrated he finally asked, "Well, what would you like for your anniversary?"

"John, I'd like a divorce," answered Mary.

John thought for a moment and replied, "Sorry dear, I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A blonde was driving down a country road when she spotted another blonde in the middle of a wheat field, rowing a boat for all her worth.

Curious, she stopped the car, staring in disbelief as the woman pulled and sweated.

When she couldn't stand it any more, she called-out, "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

Stopping her efforts for the moment, the blond in the boat responded, "Because it's an 'ocean' of wheat!"

The blond standing on the side of the road was furious! She yelled at the rower, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!"

The woman in the boat just shrugged her shoulders and began to row again.

Standing by her car, the woman was beside herself. She shook her fist at the woman in the field, yelling, "If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

An engineer accidentally took a medical school exam. See his answers:

Antibody - One who hates his body.
Artery - Study of fine paintings or military, not sure.
Bacteria - Back door of a cafeteria.
Coma - Punctuation mark.
Gall Bladder - Bladder of a girl.
Genes - Blue Denim.
Labour Pain - Hurt at work.
Liposuction - A French kiss.
Ultrasound - Radical sound that is above human hearing capacity, such as wife's talk.
Cardiology - Advanced study of playing cards.
Dyspepsia - Difficulty in drinking Pepsi.
Chicken Pox - A Non-veg continental dish.
CT Scan - Test for identifying person's city.
Radiology - The study of how radio works.
Parotitis - Information about the parrots.
Urology - The study of European people.

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly.
"I don't even work here."

A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up them things."

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but that's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, you'll really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.

"Oh, but that's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like that, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

The Embers were sat in a café when the waitress came over and said, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

So we swapped.

Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you.

Genue: Weurd, but alrught.

A husband and wife were shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picked up a case of beer and put it in their cart.

"What do you think you’re doing?" asked his wife.

"They’re on sale, only £10 for a dozen cans," he replied.

"Put them back, we can’t afford them," demanded the wife, and so they carried on shopping.

A few aisles further on, the woman picked up a £20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket.

"What do you think you’re doing?" asked the husband.

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we’re making love," replied the wife.

Her husband retorted: "So does 12 cans of beer — at half the price."

"Dad," said the young teenager, pointing to the condoms at the chemist's, "why do they come in different amounts?"

"Well, son," replied his dad, "the pack of three is for the lad who gets lucky at the weekends when he goes out clubbing. One for Friday and two for Saturday.

"Now the pack of six is for the experienced young bachelor who has a date nearly every day of the week.

"And finally, the pack of 12 is for the married man. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

I bought my friend four pregnancy tests. They all came out positive. Now she's crying.

She asked how will she feed four kids.

Three dogs ended up in the vet's and started talking to each other.

Oh well, sighed the first, this is it, they're going to put me down for worrying sheep.

They're putting me down as well, said the second dog. I bit the postman.

The two dogs turned to the third dog, a big Alsatian, and ask him why he was there.

Well, it happened a couple of days ago. My beautiful blonde owner got out of the bath, bent down to dry her feet and I couldn't help myself. In a flash, I mounted her and went quite wild.

I see, replied the other dogs, so you're being put down as well.

Oh no, I'm here to have my nails cut and my teeth cleaned.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

What does it look like? she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it.

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. Here it is. she said.

The blonde officer looked in the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes running out of the house calling to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, what's sex?" asks the boy.

For a moment Dad is dumbstruck, but then decides that if his son has asked the question, then he must do his best to answer it.

For the next few minutes, Dad talks about the birds and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act, having babies. In fact, he does a pretty good job of covering every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how oddly his son is looking at him.

"You look concerned what is wrong, do you want me to go over anything again? I mean why did you want to know now?" he asks.

"Well, Mummy just said to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in two secs."

Two Scousers are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Manchester. One of the bike's tyres goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a ride.

He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up.

Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies, "Scouse eggs."

The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it.

She calls for immediate backup and an armed response team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

"I stopped an artic with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle!"

An old club member bought a new sports motorcycle and was testing it on the road at 120mph. "Amazing!" he thought.

Then he saw a police car behind him, with blue flashing lights.

"I can get away from him", he thought as he reached 150mph.

Then he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old club member said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir", said the policeman.

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago."

When I had hair, the barber asked me what style I wanted it cutting and I said "A Tony Curtis, please."

He shaved by head and I was furious. "Haven't you heard of Tony Curtis?" I yelled.

"Course I have. He's my favourite actor. I've seen him dozens of times in the King and I."

Two past club members were on their way to a continental GP on a plane.

Halfway through the flight, one asked his pal, "If this plane turns upside down, do you think we'd fall out?"

His pal replied "Nah, we'd still be mates."

A little boy ran into the room and asked, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?"

Grandpa said, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy replied, "Because ma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"

We may have been getting the Irish in a paddy by taking the mick recently. So, for a change, here is a miscellany of misogyny.

Scientists have just announced today that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.
So that pushes women down to third place.

I've been swapping labels around on the wife's spice jars.
She may not have noticed yet but, mark my words —
the thyme is cumin.

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Top quips from the 2024 Fringe

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons

I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook

Ate horse at a restaurant once- wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson

I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith

I tried donating blood today.
NEVER AGAIN!

Too many stupid questions;
"Whose blood is it?"
"Where did you get it from?"

"Why is it in a bucket?"

A little boy asked his mother: "Where do humans come from?"

His mother answered: "Humans originated from monkeys due to evolution."

The boy was not entirely convinced, so decided to ask his father the same question and the father answered "We were created by God in his own image."

"But mum says we came from monkeys."

"Well, she was just talking about her side of the family."

One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession."

The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.

After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they now knew where the man worked.

When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.

So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

We've just come back from a holiday in Spain.

My wife didn't really enjoy it because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home.

She said. "Next time. I want to go somewhere where they eat weird shit and you can't understand a word they say."

So I've booked us a fortnight in Scotland.

My wife: "You need to do more chores around the house."

Me: "Can you please change the subject?"

My wife: "0k. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade, saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

A grandpa and grandson go fishing and, on the way, they stop by a store to pick up various supplies and a couple scratch cards.

While out in the boat the grandpa takes a beer he bought out of the ice chest and opens it. Just as the top popped, the grandson asked grandpa if he could have one.

The grandpa says, "Let me ask you something, can you touch the head of your penis to your asshole?"

The grandson says, "no".

"Well then you aren’t quite old enough to have one of these, have this coke I bought."

The grandpa then takes out a cigar and lights it. The grandson says once again, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

The grandpa also says once again, "Can you touch the head of your penis to your asshole?"

Once again, the grandson says, "no" with a sad look on his face.

Grandpa says, "Well then you ain’t quite old enough to have one of these here, have a Snickers bar."

After a bit of fishing, the grandpa pulls out two scratch cards he bought at the store. The grandson asks if he can scratch one of them off, so the grandpa gives him one to scratch off.

After a few seconds of scratching, the grandpa won nothing but the grandson lights up and yells, "Grandpa, I just won a million dollars!"

The grandpa says, "Wow, that is great, are you going to share some of that money with your grandpa?"

The grandson says, "Grandpa, can you touch the head of your penis to your asshole?"

The grandpa says, "Yes, I sure can!"

The grandson says, "Good, then go fuck yourself!"

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her test results came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit."

A blonde and a redhead walking together on the street when they passed a florist.

The redhead said, "I hate it when my husband buys me flowers. They always come with expectations, and I don't want to be laying on my back with my legs in the air for three days."

To which the blonde replied, "Don't you have a vase?"

The parish was always scratching for mortgage payments, until one day the vicar came up with a plan: they would buy a racehorse, enter it in a few races, and see if they could win some money. The council agreed, the hat was passed, and the good Father went to the next horse auction.

Unfortunately, the reverend didn't actually know much about horses, so he thought he got a good deal on the short one with the long ears. He fed it some grain and a few carrots, and entered it in Saturday's races.

It came in third, and the local paper reported, "Reverend Black's ass shows." The Archbishop was NOT pleased.

Based on that success, the reverend fed the donkey some grain and a few carrots and entered it in the next week's race. For reasons unknown, the little donkey WON his race, and the paper reported, "Reverend Black's ass out front!" The Archbishop shouted at the vicar for two whole hours.

Undeterred (and rather pleased with his financial success so far), Reverend Black laid low for a week but fed the donkey some grain and a few carrots and entered it in the following week's races. The competition was a little tougher, he finished second, and the local paper reported, "Reverend Black's ass back in place.", and the Archbishop was nothing short of furious.

Reverend Black continued his parish's little "side enterprise" yet another week, but this time the Archbishop caught word of it, contacted the track manager, and had the donkey removed from the race. Knowing that their readers would want to know, the local paper reported, "Archbishop scratches Reverend Black's ass." And the Archbishop was apoplectic.

So the Archbishop, in no uncertain terms, ORDERED Reverend Black to cease and desist, and to get rid of the donkey. The vicar took the animal back to the horse auction where, based on his reputation, the donkey fetched £4000, which Reverend Black dutifully put back in the church's bank. Knowing that their readers would want to know, the paper reported, "Reverend Black peddles his ass for four thousand quid!"

And that is the real reason why the Archbishop resigned.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over, wondering what he was in for.

The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the '1-2-3' for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Last Summer, a group of South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby ... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe ... why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had!

"That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A few years ago, Boris Johnson walked into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning, Miss, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Johnson: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister."

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Johnson, "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Boris stood there thinking and thinking and finally said, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Johnson?"

A man went into a pub and said, "Could I have a pint of Guinneth and a packet of thmokey bacon crithpth, pleathe?"

"Theartenly, thir!" replied the barman, and served them up. The customer looked at him suspiciously but didn't say anything, and he sat down at a table.

A couple of minutes later another man came in and in a plummy English accent said, "I say, old chap. Could I have a large gin and tonic, please?"

"Of course, sir!" replied the barman. "Beautiful weather today, don't you think?"

When the second customer had sat down, the first customer returned to the bar. "Here, you!" he said accusingly. "Were you taking the pith out of the way I thpeak?"

"No, of courthe not," said the barman. He pointed at the Englishman and said, "I wath taking the pith out of the way he thpeakth!"

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the hell the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was sure to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it’s going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied,
"The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."